FUCK MYSELF TO FUCKING HELL!!!!!
Why do i have to make this mistake?!! Why must i have hurt her?!!
I HATE MYSELF!!!!!
Haiz... no point now, my thoughts fill with thoughts of guilt, my mistake replays itself like some sick broken tape in my head... my heart breaks, slowly and painfully.
The pain i feel now is more then any i have felt, like billions of swords, slashing away whats left or my burning heart, tears flow from my eyes, and my sence of touch has been lost.
I walked into the bath, hoping it would relive my pain. I used more hot water, to force my attention away from the pain i already feel, but it seems futile. No matter how hot the water gets i felt no pain, no hot sensation on my body, only the cracking and ripping of my heart can be felt... I walked out of the bathroom red, some parts of my skin seemed to be peeling, but still no pain. The nags of my mum and dad, became a mere mumble in the distant in my ears, my dads fists didn't even move me...
People who have offered so much comfort in the past could only offer more insults and teasing, shouted at 3 friends, all mother fuckers who just don't understand me.
My tears flow like a waterfall down my cheeks, but no one asks why... Only angry voices could be heard, and words of insults seen.
Everything i had in my mind is now gone... Only the voices of blame and regret remain... they taunt me slowly to insanity, but even that can't be done now. My mind reminds me of her too much to lose myself now...
I have became breathless, my movements seem to have slowed, senses weakened, and each muscle in my limbs grow more unwilling to go on.
I don't know what to do now... I can't sleep for when my eyes close, pain fills my heart to the brim, pushing how much i can withstand to the limit... i felt like a bullet through my heart... i hurts so much......
All emotions but sadness, are expelled from me. I looked out from the window earlier on, it looked so tempting to just jump off, to find out if i could fly to her, to say it myself, that im sorry...
The word sorry has long been flooding my mind, for every wrong, for every second i did not spend with her when i could, there is another sorry in screaming with in me... If you could hear my mind, u might never hear anything again......
It hurts too much to close my eyes...
With each tear i just want to let down more...
just wish i can take it all back.. but my one wish is about to be taken from me, my 1 last dream and hope... all shattering in front of me... if life wont hasitate to take that from me, why would it want to answer that wish...
I don't expact her to talk to me tomorrow, i don't even expact her to forgive me by tomorrow, just wish i can take it all back.
The hate i feel for myself.. the blame i put on myself, never have i felt so broken.

My soul has shattered
my body is nothing
but a shell
to all the pain
all the sorrow
I hate myself
I hate what i have done
but i will never hate you
Im sorry...

Its been awhile since i blogged. Things just haven't been so distressing to me til now.
Change has always been something i guess i understood. But yet, its something i cannot explain.
Change assures in joy, peace and even happiness, and also pain, anger and sadness. I have never been an enemy or change. What i kept in mind, was that things that change, however joyful or painful, only opens the door to a better future. No change happens for no reason, but yet, there are changes we must fight. The need to make your life comfortable, at the expense of others, however peaceful it may make your life it destroys other's. Against this i have always sworn to find somewhere where my actions are never hurtful, and that i will not change, unless i have to.
What has always hit me hard, was when the people that i do this for, don't do the same, and leave me behind. I have never feared to be alone, if not i wouldn't be the person i am now. Still... i am only human, who feels pain like everyone else.
For awhile there i actually hoped things can stay the same, but now im feeling doubt.
these are just thoughts that passed through my mind. Now i ask myself, am i the only one that is trying so hard to stay the same? Only time will answer me.
changes will happen, but 1 promise i make. If changes do happen, and if someone has to get hurt, i promise, it won't be any of u.

I am afraid
but ready
Afraid of the pain
afraid of the sadness
but ready to take it
ready to let it go

Recently, i started realizing how small people see me as. Am i really that small? All the people in my class seem to be about the same size, yet, they don't have that problem. Because of how they see me, they treat me like a child, treat me like im some stupid immature kid, who doesn't know shit about grown up life. Work, Stress, Finance, Love, they all think i know nothing about these. But i have something to say to those who think i don't know about them. GO FUCK YOURSELVES!!! I know these problems more then any of u ever did!!!!
And secondly, doesn't mean that im small, that my body is weak, i have a full functioning HUMAN body, which means im capable of anything all you "big" people can do.
Probably what comes out of this is that i could slack more=P, and that its easier to be cute=x
Seems like even my parents see me like a little kid...
Its not that i hate how i turned out, what i hate, is how people talk to me. These are sentences i always hear:"Ah Wei Yan sure dono one la, still small kid" friend 15, "You still small la, when you grow up u know what is stress" cousin 17, "Wei Yan still too small to have girl friend la, he also don't know how to treat girls" friend 14-15, "You don't waste my money ok, i might get fired soon, and i know u still too young to know how stressful work is" Bullshit by mom.
There are still many many more, and as you can see, if its not my parents, the people who says them are almost the same age at me.
Haiz, what will it take for them to see that i have grown up...
Yesterday was officially the last day i will go to school during holiday=), going to spend as much time with darling as possible^^. Really miss her><.

Maybe its just me
that i really am small

SHIT!!!!! I hate my mom><, i hate the way she controls, she WANTS. She thinks i have to be her little boy forever, her perfect little boy, BULLSHIT!!!!
FUCK, she thinks all children are perfect, all nice to their parents, all treating their parents 1st, WAKE UP!!!! Look around!!!! What do YOU see? 15year old boys sayang mothers? Teenagers talking to their mother nicely when being scolded? FUCK!!! IF U SEE THAT UR EYES HAVE SOME SERIOUS BULLSHIT IN THEM. You think im bad, keep pushing, you will see bad eventually!!
Now, im doing what i always thought of as me being too soft to do. SINCE I CAN'T GIVE YOU THE "NICE" TONE YOU ALWAYS WANTED, i will give you silence, so u never have to hear my "bad" tone again. IM NOT STOPPING TIL UR READY TO ADMIT IT!!! If ever i forget about this, i need everyone to remind me.
Haiz=(, don't want anyone to stand in the way of me and darling<3><, if this is a step then so be it, i want to be free of this FUCKNUT i call a mother.
I REALLY LOVE YOU DARLING<3. Hope the years pass quickly^^.
Today i haven heard from jiejie much either><, hope shes ok=(. Guess i will check on her tomorrow. Really worried about her these few days, just feels like something is about to go wrong again=(.


Words can be unheard
But silence can be felt
Cold, Saddening
It can give you peace
Yet drive you crazy
hearing only yourself
Like a weapon
it reaps people apart

This last week end was fun=), was having fun pretty much the whole weekend^^.
It started on friday=), JieJie took leave on that day so that she could spend time with cp^^, her maple couldn't download for awhile=x, so CP after having breakfast with her, went to her house to help her=). AND IT WORKED^^.
We then met at about 3 at jiejie's house=), we went to new york new york to eat dinner. After the ice cream we were almost dead=x. SO FULL!!!!
Then on saterday=), spent the morning onl9 together^^, then went out again at night, we wanted to watch Christmas Carol, but the only one we can catch was the 9.10 movie=x, so we went to eat 1st^^. AGAIN!!!! So full=x, cp order so much, then force me and jiejie to eat=x. It is the hawker center food=x.
After that i really felt disappointed, jie went to buy some cig box... haiz, i don't know what to say anymore, i keep telling myself that she will need time, and that she will make it. But 1st signs made me almost cry. Its seems like the longer this drags, i will more pain. With each stick she draws, i feel more sorrow. I don't know, i just hate it when the question of whether or not she will quit goes through my head><. But i don't blame her, i kind of blame myself. All the times i could have stopped it, i let it pass. What so many people have told me before is true. Im soft, too giving, without the will to oppose especially those closest to me. Im weak...
Through all that i pulled out what happiness i had left to smile home. Dad for 110% pissed at me for being home late=x.
Then on sunday, no time was wasted=), managed to get cp and jie to play aran=P. Then we chionged=x.
Through all this there was something missing... MY DARLING!!!<3=D Didn't spend much time with her><, really miss her=(. I MAKE MY PROMISE AFTER TOMORROW, I AM HERS!!!=D<3

All addictions
exist in the mind
say stop,
it will stop
say its go on
its will go on

People say the time, is one of the things that will last forever, it is a force, which like other forces, could not be seen, but effects can be observed. Yes, i have watched it closely, and learned so many things. And yes, i am small, and young, but with abit of effort, the human mind and understanding is limitless.
Though i have learnt so many things since the start of my observation, but as the name for it suggests, i could only learn through my eyes=x. Thats why i remain pure LOL!!
Anyway, time has thought me so much, but since the beginning of life, time hasn't tested me much, until now.
By now, i had already seen failures, and achievers, who knows, i could be one of the achievers, like one of my friends, a couple since primary 6=). I hope i could be like them. Having ever lasting love<3. I PROMISE YOU DARLING<3=D, I WILL MAKE SURE I DO MY BEST<3, MUAX<3.
time seems to be doing wonders for jie and cp too=), hope this time there will be no more fights><, i still feel like its balancing on a pin><, but i know, you guys will do it too=D!!!
Anyway, i hope i can make it=), i guess, the rules that i have learnt must be best kept now^^, I PROMISE MY LOVE WILL NEVER DIE!!!<3

Love
An emotion
and like a grudge
It can last
for an eternity<3

I HAVE NEVER FELT SO HAPPY BEFORE=D.
These last few days had been rough, but hopefully, now after the storm, i can finally look forward to everlasting peace and happiness=).
CP and Jie had some fights the day before yesterday=(. Almost broke up><, but in the end, all was ok=), as i predicted and promise^^. I really hope CP gets it this time><, really hurts to see them fight=(. But now, i guess i don't have to step in anymore=), still, in a way i wish i could><. I hate these bars><. Anyway, have to let them settle some stuff themselves^^. Besides, im always going to be here if they need me=). Anyway, i know he will, all things change, in time=).
Me and darling have bee doing good ourselves too=). Rules that i will never break, are kept deep in my heart. I can feel the pain when i break them=x, but thats good^^. I promise, im going to make it work this time=). The last 2, were unhappiness, on the girl's side... But, i can tell=), darling wants to make this work too^^. For that i promise, IT WILL!!!<3
Now my picture is almost complete=), time is all that stands in my way now. But time can't stop moving, eventually it will pass, and my dream would have came through=D. My 1st dream that ever came through in my life.
Nothing had ever went my way before, i had always been too insignificant at the time... Unable to be heard, just a back ground. But now any more=). Im putting all that behind me now, who i use to be is nothing more then a shadow of what i am now. I AM CONFIDENT, that this will work=D.

When you and i are alone
i never felt more at home
We need time
Only time~

My name is Wei Yan(magas).Still is secondary school. Open to all around me. Lonely at times. Always wanted my own story. This is my life.

»Ray
»Xiao Min
»Ting
»CP&TING
»Selina/DARLING

By post:
My Pain, My Sorrow, Myself... Im sorry...
Change
"Little" Kid
Protest In Silence
The Weekend
Endless Time
My Dream Coming True
Warped Time
Time Is Ticking
Clear The Storm

By month:
August 2009 September 2009 October 2009 November 2009 December 2009