Life Of A Dreamer

My Pain, My Sorrow, Myself... Im sorry...

2009-12-21T06:09:00.000-08:00

FUCK MYSELF TO FUCKING HELL!!!!!
Why do i have to make this mistake?!! Why must i have hurt her?!!
I HATE MYSELF!!!!!
Haiz... no point now, my thoughts fill with thoughts of guilt, my mistake replays itself like some sick broken tape in my head... my heart breaks, slowly and painfully.
The pain i feel now is more then any i have felt, like billions of swords, slashing away whats left or my burning heart, tears flow from my eyes, and my sence of touch has been lost.
I walked into the bath, hoping it would relive my pain. I used more hot water, to force my attention away from the pain i already feel, but it seems futile. No matter how hot the water gets i felt no pain, no hot sensation on my body, only the cracking and ripping of my heart can be felt... I walked out of the bathroom red, some parts of my skin seemed to be peeling, but still no pain. The nags of my mum and dad, became a mere mumble in the distant in my ears, my dads fists didn't even move me...
People who have offered so much comfort in the past could only offer more insults and teasing, shouted at 3 friends, all mother fuckers who just don't understand me.
My tears flow like a waterfall down my cheeks, but no one asks why... Only angry voices could be heard, and words of insults seen.
Everything i had in my mind is now gone... Only the voices of blame and regret remain... they taunt me slowly to insanity, but even that can't be done now. My mind reminds me of her too much to lose myself now...
I have became breathless, my movements seem to have slowed, senses weakened, and each muscle in my limbs grow more unwilling to go on.
I don't know what to do now... I can't sleep for when my eyes close, pain fills my heart to the brim, pushing how much i can withstand to the limit... i felt like a bullet through my heart... i hurts so much......
All emotions but sadness, are expelled from me. I looked out from the window earlier on, it looked so tempting to just jump off, to find out if i could fly to her, to say it myself, that im sorry...
The word sorry has long been flooding my mind, for every wrong, for every second i did not spend with her when i could, there is another sorry in screaming with in me... If you could hear my mind, u might never hear anything again......
It hurts too much to close my eyes...
With each tear i just want to let down more...
just wish i can take it all back.. but my one wish is about to be taken from me, my 1 last dream and hope... all shattering in front of me... if life wont hasitate to take that from me, why would it want to answer that wish...
I don't expact her to talk to me tomorrow, i don't even expact her to forgive me by tomorrow, just wish i can take it all back.
The hate i feel for myself.. the blame i put on myself, never have i felt so broken.

My soul has shattered
my body is nothing
but a shell
to all the pain
all the sorrow
I hate myself
I hate what i have done
but i will never hate you
Im sorry...

Change

2009-12-15T23:39:00.000-08:00

Its been awhile since i blogged. Things just haven't been so distressing to me til now.
Change has always been something i guess i understood. But yet, its something i cannot explain.
Change assures in joy, peace and even happiness, and also pain, anger and sadness. I have never been an enemy or change. What i kept in mind, was that things that change, however joyful or painful, only opens the door to a better future. No change happens for no reason, but yet, there are changes we must fight. The need to make your life comfortable, at the expense of others, however peaceful it may make your life it destroys other's. Against this i have always sworn to find somewhere where my actions are never hurtful, and that i will not change, unless i have to.
What has always hit me hard, was when the people that i do this for, don't do the same, and leave me behind. I have never feared to be alone, if not i wouldn't be the person i am now. Still... i am only human, who feels pain like everyone else.
For awhile there i actually hoped things can stay the same, but now im feeling doubt.
these are just thoughts that passed through my mind. Now i ask myself, am i the only one that is trying so hard to stay the same? Only time will answer me.
changes will happen, but 1 promise i make. If changes do happen, and if someone has to get hurt, i promise, it won't be any of u.

I am afraid
but ready
Afraid of the pain
afraid of the sadness
but ready to take it
ready to let it go

"Little" Kid

2009-11-25T17:16:00.000-08:00

Recently, i started realizing how small people see me as. Am i really that small? All the people in my class seem to be about the same size, yet, they don't have that problem. Because of how they see me, they treat me like a child, treat me like im some stupid immature kid, who doesn't know shit about grown up life. Work, Stress, Finance, Love, they all think i know nothing about these. But i have something to say to those who think i don't know about them. GO FUCK YOURSELVES!!! I know these problems more then any of u ever did!!!!
And secondly, doesn't mean that im small, that my body is weak, i have a full functioning HUMAN body, which means im capable of anything all you "big" people can do.
Probably what comes out of this is that i could slack more=P, and that its easier to be cute=x
Seems like even my parents see me like a little kid...
Its not that i hate how i turned out, what i hate, is how people talk to me. These are sentences i always hear:"Ah Wei Yan sure dono one la, still small kid" friend 15, "You still small la, when you grow up u know what is stress" cousin 17, "Wei Yan still too small to have girl friend la, he also don't know how to treat girls" friend 14-15, "You don't waste my money ok, i might get fired soon, and i know u still too young to know how stressful work is" Bullshit by mom.
There are still many many more, and as you can see, if its not my parents, the people who says them are almost the same age at me.
Haiz, what will it take for them to see that i have grown up...
Yesterday was officially the last day i will go to school during holiday=), going to spend as much time with darling as possible^^. Really miss her><.

Maybe its just me
that i really am small

Protest In Silence

2009-11-24T06:12:00.000-08:00

SHIT!!!!! I hate my mom><, i hate the way she controls, she WANTS. She thinks i have to be her little boy forever, her perfect little boy, BULLSHIT!!!!
FUCK, she thinks all children are perfect, all nice to their parents, all treating their parents 1st, WAKE UP!!!! Look around!!!! What do YOU see? 15year old boys sayang mothers? Teenagers talking to their mother nicely when being scolded? FUCK!!! IF U SEE THAT UR EYES HAVE SOME SERIOUS BULLSHIT IN THEM. You think im bad, keep pushing, you will see bad eventually!!
Now, im doing what i always thought of as me being too soft to do. SINCE I CAN'T GIVE YOU THE "NICE" TONE YOU ALWAYS WANTED, i will give you silence, so u never have to hear my "bad" tone again. IM NOT STOPPING TIL UR READY TO ADMIT IT!!! If ever i forget about this, i need everyone to remind me.
Haiz=(, don't want anyone to stand in the way of me and darling<3><, if this is a step then so be it, i want to be free of this FUCKNUT i call a mother.
I REALLY LOVE YOU DARLING<3. Hope the years pass quickly^^.
Today i haven heard from jiejie much either><, hope shes ok=(. Guess i will check on her tomorrow. Really worried about her these few days, just feels like something is about to go wrong again=(.

Words can be unheard
But silence can be felt
Cold, Saddening
It can give you peace
Yet drive you crazy
hearing only yourself
Like a weapon
it reaps people apart

The Weekend

2009-11-23T06:36:00.000-08:00

This last week end was fun=), was having fun pretty much the whole weekend^^.
It started on friday=), JieJie took leave on that day so that she could spend time with cp^^, her maple couldn't download for awhile=x, so CP after having breakfast with her, went to her house to help her=). AND IT WORKED^^.
We then met at about 3 at jiejie's house=), we went to new york new york to eat dinner. After the ice cream we were almost dead=x. SO FULL!!!!
Then on saterday=), spent the morning onl9 together^^, then went out again at night, we wanted to watch Christmas Carol, but the only one we can catch was the 9.10 movie=x, so we went to eat 1st^^. AGAIN!!!! So full=x, cp order so much, then force me and jiejie to eat=x. It is the hawker center food=x.
After that i really felt disappointed, jie went to buy some cig box... haiz, i don't know what to say anymore, i keep telling myself that she will need time, and that she will make it. But 1st signs made me almost cry. Its seems like the longer this drags, i will more pain. With each stick she draws, i feel more sorrow. I don't know, i just hate it when the question of whether or not she will quit goes through my head><. But i don't blame her, i kind of blame myself. All the times i could have stopped it, i let it pass. What so many people have told me before is true. Im soft, too giving, without the will to oppose especially those closest to me. Im weak...
Through all that i pulled out what happiness i had left to smile home. Dad for 110% pissed at me for being home late=x.
Then on sunday, no time was wasted=), managed to get cp and jie to play aran=P. Then we chionged=x.
Through all this there was something missing... MY DARLING!!!<3=D Didn't spend much time with her><, really miss her=(. I MAKE MY PROMISE AFTER TOMORROW, I AM HERS!!!=D<3

All addictions
exist in the mind
say stop,
it will stop
say its go on
its will go on

Endless Time

2009-11-17T06:41:00.000-08:00

People say the time, is one of the things that will last forever, it is a force, which like other forces, could not be seen, but effects can be observed. Yes, i have watched it closely, and learned so many things. And yes, i am small, and young, but with abit of effort, the human mind and understanding is limitless.
Though i have learnt so many things since the start of my observation, but as the name for it suggests, i could only learn through my eyes=x. Thats why i remain pure LOL!!
Anyway, time has thought me so much, but since the beginning of life, time hasn't tested me much, until now.
By now, i had already seen failures, and achievers, who knows, i could be one of the achievers, like one of my friends, a couple since primary 6=). I hope i could be like them. Having ever lasting love<3. I PROMISE YOU DARLING<3=D, I WILL MAKE SURE I DO MY BEST<3, MUAX<3.
time seems to be doing wonders for jie and cp too=), hope this time there will be no more fights><, i still feel like its balancing on a pin><, but i know, you guys will do it too=D!!!
Anyway, i hope i can make it=), i guess, the rules that i have learnt must be best kept now^^, I PROMISE MY LOVE WILL NEVER DIE!!!<3

Love
An emotion
and like a grudge
It can last
for an eternity<3

My Dream Coming True

2009-11-16T06:31:00.000-08:00

I HAVE NEVER FELT SO HAPPY BEFORE=D.
These last few days had been rough, but hopefully, now after the storm, i can finally look forward to everlasting peace and happiness=).
CP and Jie had some fights the day before yesterday=(. Almost broke up><, but in the end, all was ok=), as i predicted and promise^^. I really hope CP gets it this time><, really hurts to see them fight=(. But now, i guess i don't have to step in anymore=), still, in a way i wish i could><. I hate these bars><. Anyway, have to let them settle some stuff themselves^^. Besides, im always going to be here if they need me=). Anyway, i know he will, all things change, in time=).
Me and darling have bee doing good ourselves too=). Rules that i will never break, are kept deep in my heart. I can feel the pain when i break them=x, but thats good^^. I promise, im going to make it work this time=). The last 2, were unhappiness, on the girl's side... But, i can tell=), darling wants to make this work too^^. For that i promise, IT WILL!!!<3
Now my picture is almost complete=), time is all that stands in my way now. But time can't stop moving, eventually it will pass, and my dream would have came through=D. My 1st dream that ever came through in my life.
Nothing had ever went my way before, i had always been too insignificant at the time... Unable to be heard, just a back ground. But now any more=). Im putting all that behind me now, who i use to be is nothing more then a shadow of what i am now. I AM CONFIDENT, that this will work=D.

When you and i are alone
i never felt more at home
We need time
Only time~

Warped Time

2009-11-14T07:41:00.000-08:00

Today was fun=), the day started normal, woke up and smsed darling and jiejie 1st as usual=D.
Time works in such strange ways. Today seemed to pass so fast><, but now, when i look back, everything just stops. I can now see every second so clearly.
Today, after darling and jiejie woke up, we talked in msn for awhile, before we all went to maple to chat=D. A small fight happened between cp and jie><. Haiz, for a reason that seems so insignificant. Its all too predictable, hopefully CP really saw his mistake and will fix it soon><.
One problem i felt i had, was to keep quiet><, and not step in. Its hard><, but i can handle it=). Keeping quiet too long puts me in an emo mood=x, but darling was there=D, so i got over it quite quickly^^, THANKS DARLING<3!!! It followed with an awesome time slacking at ludi=P.
At about 6 we all started leaving><, for dinner plans and other occasions of our own. Really reluctant to leave><, wanted to stay at home, but yea, parents still want to control me... I HATE THAT!!!
Anyway, had chicken rice and chicken=x.
Got home at about 9.10><, took a quick bath and went online to see darling<3=D. We chatted for awhile, and during that time, jie also headed over to meet cp=). They couldn't meet too long><, it was alrd 11.10=(. Hope she will be ok><.
They went to sleep about 11.45, called each other, and if i know them well enough, they are deep asleep by now=x.
And now me and darling are left=), oh well better get back to her=D, have to go to sleep soon too><.
Seeing time like this is truly amazing, but at times where u want to move on, its a curse that i can't avoid><. Well today is one to remember=), and i invite it now=D.

Time works
in strange ways
but the one thing
that we must all remember
it doesn't leave things
in pieces

Time Is Ticking

2009-11-13T07:54:00.000-08:00

Today is the day im freed from school=D. The plan initially was to talk to darling til i left to meet up with jiejie, but she also had plans to catch up with her social life=). HOPE YOU HAD FUN DARLING!!!=D<3 Guess shes asleep alrd><, and sleeping real soundly too=x. But she woke up and i managed to talk to her=D. We watch 2012=x, was scary the way people die><, but nice overall=D.
The 1st day seem to pass so fast><, i had 12hrs today, it felt like 12 minutes><. Tomorrow i guess will be better=), can spend the whole day with jiejie, CP and my darling<3=D online.
Somehow i can't wait for monday=x, i will wake up to NO ONE!!!!
I had a sinking feeling that this will not last long though=(, time works against me><, especially when im happy...
Really missed darling today><, me feels lonely without her><. When i was in the taxi, she was all i thought about.

Wake up to think
stare at the sky
sooner or later
time still ticks away
theres no stopping it

Clear The Storm

2009-11-12T06:36:00.000-08:00

LOL, life enjoys play mind games on me so much=x.
The storm had passed, all is well again=), other then dieing in school i feel no other sadness or anger anymore=D.
I spent today with darling<3, and we web camed for the 1st time=D. It was so fun, and she was so cute^^. okok darling i know what ur going to say=x. I also found out jiejie had gone the whole day without smoking!! WHOOOHOOO!!!! If only she can cut down faster=x, oh well, slow and steady=P
ended up showing darling so many things over the web cam=D.
Seems like my mind is clear again=), until i go back to school LOL. Pretending for something you don't want sucks=x, i even forget why i try... oh ya right, to not die in secondary school><.
Anyway, TOMORROW IS THAT LAST DAY WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOO!!
I AM SO HAPPY=D
can't wait to wake up to nobody=x. DON'T SAY IM EMO!! I want to feel physically lonely=D, not mentally=x.
Anyway its late, TOMORROW IS WAITING TO BE OVER=D

The sun sets once again
in this chapter of life
after tomorrow
all will start anew
new goals
new plans
But same eternal Love
and Friendship=)

Blazing thoughts

2009-11-11T01:14:00.000-08:00

Its been awhile since i sat down to think about how things have been going. So much has changed, 5 months ago i met jie, and only a month ago i met darling<3. Still theres so much that i know hasn't change, and so much i wish could change.
Life in school, i know it should be one of the best of my life. But i have to pretend every time i walk in. I have to pretend, to be with friends, i have to the person i want to be inside me. All that normally vanishes after i get home. Now i am home, and now i am myself. But somehow, now i feel a hunger to be free of school. Not forever, just for this holiday=).
I think of all the commitments i made in school, and i go zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. I wish i hadn't... but whats done is done...
Now a my bridging programs come to an end, i feel so excited=). I WILL FINALLY WAKE UP FREE!!!!!
But, now, one questions hits me. Whats freedom, with restrictions? I still have my cca to attend, and a world of nagging to endure from my cabin counselor. The chance for freedom only comes that many times in one's life, and mine are draining away.
As ice in my drink melt, so does the freedom i feel. Hopefully the holidays give me enough time to pull myself back again.
This is one of the things i kept to myself for quite awhile, still it is one that i only just realized. The restlessness, the eagerness to burst out, the pain and agony i go through when i go to school these few days, can all be explain by this lack of freedom i feel.
Now one last thing remains. With little friends to turn to, what can i do during the holidays? Haiz, i don't know, for now im looking forward to waking up, to see an empty home. Thats all i need. Though i may feel lonely, the pain and sorrow i feel cleanses my soul, allowing me to feel refreshed, and for the moment, freedom=).
Besides, im not alone. Thats all i need to remember, Jie, CP, darling<3, will all be just a phone button press or a keyboard typing away=).
Still, WHY DON'T I FEEL FREE?><
The rules i chose to live my life maybe=(, i don't know. Perhaps, lately i don't feel happiness around me anymore=(, the storm is coming, pain hits all those around me. That pains me the most><, the imprison i feel, is probably the helplessness, the inability to step in. Now i stand behind bars, forced to watch all those closest to me hit by pain, suffering and sadness. I want to break out=(, but these bars are strong.
But in time, all things rust. I just hope it does soon><.
Don't know=(, feels like something is about to happen again><.

Im sick of being tired
Im sick of just watching
Life just enjoys putting me
behind these bars...
Why can't it just leave me
alone to be=(

The Flame Starts

2009-11-10T06:49:00.000-08:00

Today was so up and down><.
At school, i felt so freaking uneasy><, couldn't pay attention, just keep figgiting until i fell asleep in class=x.
When i got home, found out darling was there=D, and talked to her most of the afternoon=), she had some work to do=P, so i didn't disturb her much=P.
Found out from jiejie's blog CP finally went out=x, after don't know how long LOL. But instead of happiness, i felt worry><. I knew this day would come, where xuan would come in and ruin the happiness again=(. Well NO MORE!!! I am here to make sure we all stay happy!!!
I forgot i had teakwando today><, and i left the house with a heavy heart, didn't want to leave darling, and neither did i want to leave jiejie alone=(.
I got back to find out she was so sad=(, she called me, and i talked her to sleep, tried my best to comfert her><, really did.
Everything will work out, i know it will, it happened to me and darling<3, and it will happen for you and cp too=D.
And remember, no matter wat changes, I WILL NEVER CHANGE!! Anytime and anything you can talk to me about it=). Hope she will be ok><

You can build a city
and grow a forest
But when the city crumbles
The forest remains
growing as always
Flowers bloom
as skylines fall

A Spark

2009-11-09T05:28:00.000-08:00

So many things happened today. Some trouble in school, but no worries=D, i can handle it^^. I came home late today cause of a stupid science teacher i got=x, had to combine class with the weaker half of my class, and cause that half is really stupid, she treat my half like we're stupid too=x.
At that time, everything still seemed ok. When i got home, waited for darling, she didn't seem ok><. After she online, managed to cheer her up!!=D<3 Then spent the day chatting with her=). MUAX<3 I LOVE YOU DARLING<3=D. HOPE U HEAL SOON=D.
When i talked to jiejie in msn at late afternoon, i guess something happened=(, shes really stressed now, stuck again><. Everything will work out=), i know it will, a way to get out will come=D. Hope she will be ok tomorrow><.
I am always here for the people who need me=D, hope darling sleeps well tonight too okie<3.

When I think of you
I don't feel so alone
As many times as i blink
I'll think of you=)

All Will Be Okay

2009-11-08T06:33:00.000-08:00

Today was not bad=), the day started as usual, just wait for darling and jiejie to wake up=).
When jiejie woke up, i don't know, she seems abit sad=(, at least after a day full of jokes from cp she seemed better by night=). She had a lot of problems at home today><, hope shes ok.
Then most of the day i spent with darling<3
was abit worried cause she seemed upset><. Eventually, jiejie called her, and we managed to cheer her up=).
I guess, today had alot of downs, but like i always say, everything will work out=), no matter how bad it is^^.
Hope darling won't be too sad tonight><, I LOVE YOU DARLING<3. Everything will work out=).

If the bombs go off
the sun will still be shining
cause you heard them said
every mushroom cloud
has a silver lining

Getting Better=)

2009-11-07T08:21:00.000-08:00

Darling is getting better=D, things are turning^^, i am overfilled with joy now^^. these 2 days i've seen her gotten so much better^^.
She can talk, laugh, and even shout!!=D Its only been 2 days after the operations^^, and my prediction was right WHOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! I love being right=x. ME TOLD U DARLING=P. Nah just joking=). LOVE YOU DARLING!!!! AWHILE MORE TILL U RECOVER FULLY=D!!!!!!
These 2 days i spent as time as i cud with her^^, and today spent my day with her=), follow by a nite with her, cp, and jiejie=).
I guess the only thing bad that happened was CP upsetting jiejie=(, i guess he was really tired, and jiejie was too awake=(. Really hope everything is ok><, don't like to see them fight=(, even if cp doesn't like to accept change, i still think he should watch himself more><.
Anyway at least now i have full confidence darling will make it=D, for that i can never rejoice enough^^.

for whats its worth
darling dear i wish you were here
cause i feel alone
when u were home
we'd sing
but now u left i don't hear anything
now i feel
so sad
but i can't belive things were really that bad=)
TO DARLING<3
MY dear^^

Passed The Trail=D

2009-11-05T05:23:00.000-08:00

The news i knew would come HAS CAME!!!!!!^^
BeeBee's operation has succeeded^^, i feel so happy, so relieved. My confusion has settled down=), i can see clearly again^^.
Not long now=), till she goes for her final operation and get out of the hospital!!!!
WHOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Today had been almost awful, couldn't stop thinking, felt so sleepy, felt fire in me, and so confused. I was reminded why i hated the people in robotics, those mother ****ing losers, so lazy to even make their own design, but had no mood to do it...
They would only let me make supports and weapon for the robot...
ANYWAY!!!! don want to let them ruin my happiness=), BeeBee will be ok=D, thats all that matters now^^.
Thnx jiejie=) and all those who stood by me through this(PS: NO ONE FROM SCHOOL, u all only demoralized me, FOOLS!!!). Thnx you guys so much=), if it weren't for u all, i might have given up already.
MY LOVE IS GETTING BETTER<3, thats all that matters now=).
Theres still a long way to go, and her condition isn't stable><, hope tomorrow it will get better=(

It was nothing but a fantasy
I knew it
But i had alot of fate in it
Isn't that what everybody says
to hold on to all your hopes and dreams?
breath life into it
make it reality=)

Glimmer Of Hope

2009-11-04T04:58:00.000-08:00

Yesterday i got word that something happened to darling's state in the hospital=(, i was in shock, i was confused><. Thats one of the reasons why i forgot to blog=x.
Anyway, i guess her state has been stabilized, and shes going for an operation tomorrow. Hope it goes well><.
Doctors don't perform operations unless its going to help cure the patient. This is my last hope, that this is true=).
Really miss her=(, I LOVE YOU DARLING!!<3. I know she will get well soon.
Today i had CCA for an upcoming competition, its a sumo bot competition, but i have no mood to focus on that now><.
Today i was still really dazed><, i smsed jiejie alot, but by mid day she started getting quite busy=(, and i couldn't talk to her much anymore. Im sorry i didn't sms u much after that=(. I felt lonely for much of the day, not many people talked to me, and i didn't try to talk to people...
Hope tomorrow will be a better day.

Tomorrow holds a lot
for each and everyone of us
The day dar gets better,
or not
The day we cry or cheer
Whether or not i lose again
The day things turn
for the better
or worse......

Fixed, But Broken Again

2009-11-02T05:37:00.000-08:00

Today, after i came back from school, i spent all my time with CP and Jie. After we had gone for a few bosses, we settled down in the Fm to chat. They consoled me about beebee, and i really felt so much hope in me. I never thought a mistake i made last week would come back to strike at me.
I know, it affected jie too, she felt betrayed, these i don't need anyone to tell me. I should know, after so much we had gone through together.
My judgment has been really corrupted lately, i really can't make a good decision. Every thing i chose seemed to be the wrong move. I knew it was a mistake, from the very start, but, i don't know. Now i can find nothing that can excuse me from it. That is how i know, i know how far i have slipped. MY guilt overwhelms me, my sadness consumes me. I can't stop crying...
I really can't stand to lose her, shes the only one i can talk to nowadays, there is really no one else, and i blew it, just like that...
I can't stop regretting, i want to keep saying sorry, but each time i say it i feel worse=(, im just really sorry... i say this from the bottom of my heart, but it still hurts, im still crying, each just flows, and i can't stop it...

My mistake...
it was my mistake
my guilt
breaks my heart
smaller and smaller
my sadness,
overflows it
Why must i make this mistake......

Demoralized, But Still Hopeful

2009-11-01T07:10:00.000-08:00

Today had been ok, i managed to feel at least some happiness today, its the 1st time since i found out about darling's condition=(. I went out with jiejie, and cp, watched a movie and had lunch and dinner.
I only got the news when i got back=(. Darling's state is now completely critical, and a chance of death now looms about her><. This hit me like an assassin. My heart breaks, my mind goes blank, thoughts of so many words left unsaid...
I already have a speech, written complete with everything i want to say, in case hope disappears.

Conflicting Emotions

2009-10-31T09:42:00.000-07:00

Haiz, today was even worse then yesterday...
So many thoughts in me, so many feelings. I want to be happy, but my heart feels like its crying, my mind wants to fly, my body wants to stay buried, nothing i do today seems to satisfy me=(. I had no one to turn to, no one to talk to about it><.
And today not many has even cared to ask if i was ok. I guess the conflicting feelings made me seem normal. But inside, inside there is chaos and dismay.
Now i don't feel like driving my head into the wall anymore... no, now i wan to hit it as hard as i can, until i find out which will break 1st...
I feel so broken, so out of touch, even the things that made me feel comfort now give me more pain.
While playing dota, a sense of missing something keeps hitting me, while watching TV, a sense of eagerness to go back to the com, and while in maple, a strong sense of sadness overwhelms me...
No one seems to be around anymore=(, i know they are still there, just not available to help me today and yesterday.
I miss so many people, i amazingly miss my friends in school, I miss my jiejie=(, she had been busy lately><, and i miss Beebee darling=(, shes still really weak, really hope she will get well soon.

Now i feel so crushed
so broken
like a shattered mirror
Lying in peaces
no one around
to put me back together
not now anyway......

Depression

2009-10-30T08:47:00.000-07:00

Today i feel awful. The sadness that i feel inside is maddening><. i really just wan to bang my head into the wall=(. The grueling sadness has given me such a clear picture of how its going to happen... I really just want to drive my head deep into the wall, and see the blood flow=(.
I got teased by my supposed "best friend". What can i say? He wouldn't even listen. And even if he did, my life here cannot be known by people in school, including him. I was tearing up, but yet he pushes. I don't know how i came to have people like that as friends. I have been sulking at him and all those who had joined him in tormenting me today. Will probably talk to him again next week.
I HATE IT when the people i thought of as trust worthy and thoughtful turn their backs on me like that. Not a single word or concern even with tears flowing from my eyes.
I guess people in school are just like that. But im sure of others who will never be like that, Like jie, CP, my beebee darling. Those are the people i want to be with, not those who cause more pain, just for the sake of being "funny".
i guess i just wan someone to turn to=(, those people i know i could trust were busy. So i had no one left to turn to... Jiejie was busy with her end of month stuff, beebee was still in the hospital, and i didn't feel comfortable shedding tears wen talking to cp. I guess i will be ok tomorrow. It should be better.
ME MISSES YOU DARLING!!! Really can't stop thinking about you=(. Will always love you!!<3

I want to forget
does that mean
that i should forgive them?
I want to turn to them
but what if
their not around
when i need them most?
I want to help her
but what if by helping
im making it harder
to make her feel better?

Im Sorry.. For Changing

2009-10-29T03:57:00.000-07:00

Still haven heard from Beebee since ytd, really missing her=( can't stop worrying about her><, Jiejie is still at work hopefully shes ok=(, i still feel guilty about ignoring her everytime beebee is around><, and i have no mood to play dota with cp now. This is the 1st time i got to think since being with Beebee, reflect on the mistakes i have made, and how people has seen me change. I still feel the same inside, i still want to see others happy, and i still feel so much pain when i disappoint others=(.
I know, how you guys see me now, i know, all the mistakes i have made, one of which was neglecting jiejie and cp when bee is around, And im sorry, really really sorry, if i had changed into something, that even i would hate. And im sorry if my changes have affected how i treat u guys=(. This really is something new to me, i have never felt like this before. I swear, i will never change inside.
The promise i want to keep now, to never change, to never neglect anyone close to me ever again. I never want to see u people, especially anyone of u guys, to think that i have changed and will never change back. Never want to see u guys, after all we've been through, hate me, because of my own mistake=(.
I can't imagine this world, if any of u leave me. I want to keep our friendship, to treat and be treated like before.
And i know now, i know what i need to change, and i know i have to start 1st. To fix them, to take back everything i have done wrong so far.

I was caught
between my pride
and my promise
But now,
for my pride
and my promise
i will fix my mistakes
and will never
make them again

Worried, Lonely, Missing You

2009-10-28T06:32:00.000-07:00

Today like i expected was a boring day, along with my lousy sleep last night, it allowed me to sleep in school=). And because of that, i got left behind 2 times by my friends><. Thats how easily i get forgotten in school i guess.
I was looking forward to coming home and talking to Bee Bee dar. But, i guessed something happened=(. When i got home, i tried calling her, to find out that it was engaged, then i tried to check if she was online, the same can be said about the results=(.
Haven heard from her since last night, hope everything is ok><. Really really worried about her, couldn't stop thinking about her, til i couldn't do anything else. DARLING!!! Me misses u alot><, hope i can see u soon=(.
Was trying to talk to jie too, but i guess, she was really busy at work=(. Didn't get many replies from her when i tried smsing her. But its ok, i know how busy she gets=). Me missed her too=(. I don't know, maybe its just me, but i have a feeling shes not 100% ok either=(, hope u r ok jiejie=(
Just hope she isn't stress over it><.
I tried dota-ing with CP to take my mind off things, but i couldn't concentrate on the game><. Most of the game was spent zoning out and that caused us to lose. I could only stand 1 round, before i went back to thinking about my BeeBee darling. Really really miss her.
Hope shes getting out of the hospital soon=(, can't imagine what i can do tomorrow without her><. Tomorrow, 29-10, my birthday, and also a holiday for me. Its wired that ever since i was born, i had no school what so ever on that particular day. But still, my feelings overwhelm me too much to enjoy it=(.
CAN'T WAIT TO TALK TO U AGAIN DARLING!!!<3 MUAX<3 LOVE MY DARLING 4EVER!!<3

Love
the thing no one understands
not completely at least
What do i know?
I never felt it before
never thought
that i would feel it now

Just Got Back

2009-10-27T03:06:00.001-07:00

Just got back from the chalet yesterday=), came over to my house to watch a couple of movies lol. The chalet was nice^^, at 1st it seemed so sucky, but after making it cold, and lying down on the bed, it was pretty nice^^, when we meet again, i need to pass the memory card to jie to develop the photos=). We took quite a few^^.

These are a few of them=)
the rest i have put on face book^^
Me really missed my BeeBee darling there=(, even if i could keep talking to her on the phone=P. LOVE YOU DARLING!!! ALWAYS WILL!!<3
Then there was today F3. IT WAS SOOOOOOO BORING!!! nothing to do in school lol. Fell asleep 3 times in school=x. When i got home, i found out darling already has her lap top with her at the hospital=D, so i sent most of my time online with her.
When she went to sleep, i helped cp try out dota awhile, and now im waiting for her=).
Haven been talking to jiejie since school ended though=(, kind of miss her, hope everything is ok on her side><. Don't wan her to be stressed.
Oh well, will talk to her later ba, i guess she just got off work=).
And now, BACK TO WAIT FOR MY DARLING!!!<3 I enjoy not making people wait=P

In sacrificing
it doesn't mean that
you have to lose something
It means
That it is done for
a better tomorrow

Tomorrows the day=)

2009-10-23T08:43:00.000-07:00

After so long of waiting, TOMORROW IS FINALLY HERE!!!!=D
I filled with excitement, and also sorrow=(. Its my birthday^^, and the chalet is celebration=D. We still haven yet decided what to do there=x, but we can figure it out as we go along=). I am only sad that i have to leave my beebee darling while shes sick=(. Me misses her every time im not with her=(. hope she gets better soon=). Love u darling!!<3 Promise to call u while im there okie^^, me wans to show CP im not shy with u=x. Hope you get well soon, don't want you to spend too much time in the hospital><.
Tomorrow we're meeting at jie's house first=), still not sure to come home to eat, or stay there to eat=x, never really went to the coffee shops near my house for breakfast before LOL. Probably only 1 or 2=x. Anyway that we will decide tomorrow=D.
Sooo excited now, not sure if i can go to sleep LOL=x. But i guess even i have to sleep=).

Celebrations start
storms die out
this is the cycle
that we live in
for that i hope
it brings joy to us=)

Mixed Feelings

2009-10-22T06:49:00.000-07:00

today was ok i guess=), manage to talk to dar in the morning<3, But she got sick>Im really worried about her=(, she went to the doctor earlier, and just went to the hospital><. Me hopes shes ok=(, me misses her too D=. Tomorrow i have school. I guess i will rush home then=), i got my mike working already, if shes ok with it then im going to talk to her^^. ME LOVES YOU DARLING!!!! ALOT ALOT<3!! me hopes u are ok=(, can't stop worrying><. ME WILL BE WITH U ALWAYS!!!
The weekend is almost here=), just hope dar will be ok, don wan to leave her when shes feeling so sick><. Will probably call her when im there, maybe at night.
Tomorrow my birthday celebrations begin lol. Parents invited cousins over to have a BBQ before my bbq with jie and cp=x
Really hope dar is ok=(, can't stop thinking about it><

Things have to grow
feelings, emotions
all must grow
or be left behind
lost in time

Vision Expanding

2009-10-21T07:08:00.000-07:00

It seems like now im seeing things more clearly, now i see a larger world, with happiness and hope=). I used to only see hope and happiness only for others.
Today seems to go by so slowly, with all the suspense and excitements, as well sorrows and disappointments.
For the excitements, i got a 94 for my science^^ and i manages to pass every subject for sec 3 accept for chinese=x. For that im am happy=). Oh ya and to talk to darling in the afternoon<3
For the sorrows, i guess it seems like Jie seems upset today=(, im really worried about her, hopefully shes ok. Hope she remembers im always here for her, always did and always will=).
Tomorrow is a holiday!!!=D Me am going to spend my day at hope with BeeBee darling^^.
And talking to jie and cp=).
3 MORE DAYS TO CHALET!!!!!
LOVE U DARLING!!!!!<3

Everything will be alright
everything always is
im here to make sure it will
thats what im good at
and i promise i will never change<3

Never Imagined A Picture Like This

2009-10-20T06:24:00.000-07:00

All my life i never imagined a picture more perfect than this=), Cp and Jie are doing fine^^, hopefully it will last a long long time this round=P. The chalet is only 4days away!!! Im so excited^^. Only thing me am not not looking forward to is not talking to my bee darling><.
Hope she won't be too lonely=(, me will still sms her constantly=) and call at nite if i could^^.<3 MY BEEBEE DARLING!!!
Things are finally falling into place, after so many years of flouting=). Me feels so at peace, the most i have felt in 6years^^.
1st look at my results, english 70% at least^^ but a little disappointed with chinese=(
at most a 50% only><.
Tomorrow im getting all my other papers^^, science, maths, social studies, literature, and DnT^^. Hopefully i will be more awake then today=P, had wired dreams last nite that kept waking me up><, at least their only dreams=).

Can i stay happy forever
Forever...
Forever here
With those i care about
no matter the distant
no matter what...

The first obstacle

2009-10-19T07:15:00.000-07:00

Jiejie din seem happy today=(, really worried about her, even though bee is around me still will care about her, always will, but i guess she just wasn't in the mood to talk about it><. Really really worried about her=(, find it hard to keep my smile...
Me still misses her during the day, although i am no longer alone me still misses her. Jiejie will always be my favorite jiejie no matter what, and will always be the one who knows me the best=).
Me really wants you to be happy, i can't be happy with u feeling that way, hopefully she will be better tomorrow><...
Its 2nd day with Bee=), and jie says we were too mushy=x, will try to fix that=P.
Just hope jiejie is ok, really can't think about much but worry about u=(

Things change
But i promise
my heart wont
not til the end of time
i will always care
for the ones close to me

Founding Of New Life

2009-10-18T08:33:00.000-07:00

Well today everything went well=), spent the whole day with JieJie and cp spaming, then they finally gave me the courage to ask bee to be my new gf, at least in maple^^. LOVE YOU DARLING<3.=P
It was fun, but yea, haven been with a gf for a long long time, and found that i was ignoring alot of what was going on around me=(.
It will get better=), we still don't know each other that well yet, and today was just our bonding time.
I hope everything is ok among jie and cp, was worried i might have missed something important, and jie, no matter what happens i will always be there for you ALWAYS^^. Nick also seems to be in distress, and yea, i hope i can be there to help him again.
Felt like i missed so much><, hope everything is ok, and sorry again that i wasn't paying so much attention><. Really hoping nothing bad happened=(
Things should go up from here=), the chalet is only a week away, can't wait^^.

Hope nothing falls
Not now...
The picture is perfect
At least, almost perfect

Forgotten How to Release

2009-10-17T08:54:00.000-07:00

Feels like im trapped, been like that since the exam, everywhere i turn, seems to be the same as the last. Like 4 walls surrounding me, with no where to go... I've kept it locked for so long... i forgot how to open it... now im wondering, should it be open now? That will not be known til after its open, im afraid=(.
So many things change, i remain the same. Its like the others have already became trees, and im still a sprout. How do i start to grow again?=(.
Today, was really worried about jie and cp=(, i know the tension grew alot this time><.
I really hope jie is ok, really really worried><.

Is this a curse
i must live with?
always fighting
the path given to me...

Finally Met again=)

2009-10-16T21:31:00.000-07:00

Yesterday met jie and cp again^^. The last time i saw them was CP's bday at the hotel.
Was so nice to see them again^^. We sat at our usual place for slacking, and jie got her maid to buy for us KFC lol. After that, we went to the play ground and the exercising play ground. Me and CP keep trying to do a pull up lol, failed=x.
Aww it was so fun, i miss them already><. Anyway the next time im seeing them is at the chalet next week=), time seems to move so slow from not til then><.
Seems like im so free, but in my mind and heart, im still trapped=(, in the cage that prevented me from moving.
This seems to be devouring the last bit of freedom i am feeling, the happiness. Perhaps humans just aren't made to not move. So this is what you get when u hold ur hopes, ur feelings, and ur dreams back.
I am still afraid of the outcome, i am afraid of being crushed. Though my confidence is growing, i am still unsure of how to get going again. I have forgotten how to accomplish the goals that i have kept in me for so long.
This will be decided through time i guess...

All is lost again
But im not giving in
I will not fall
i will not fade...

Free, but trapped

2009-10-15T19:45:00.000-07:00

Exams are finally over, the freedom i thought i would feel far exceeded what i am feeling now.
The thought of doing whatever i wanted after the exam is now extinguished, it still feels like im in a cage. Bounded to this world by what is already here. Its not boredom, its not sick or tired of what is already here. Its just the need to start moving again.
But which way to go? On this road i stand still, watching over those who i care about, but not moving myself. But i don't want to only watch, i want to be part of everything, part of life's great picture, but at the same time keep watching. The holidays are coming, perhaps then i will decide where to go, perhaps it is possible, that we will have to see.
For now let the bars of this cage rust and break, i will be behind them, waiting for the time to break through.

Smile to everyone
through the bars
soon i will be released
and join the world
on my own road
along side those i care about

Last day of exam

2009-10-14T02:03:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is the last day of my exams=), but then, why don't i feel happy=(? Im 100% going to sec 4 its confirmed, but why do i feel guilt, tiredness, loneliness? In my head i know i have no reason to feel this way, but why is it there?
Why do i feel that after all i've done these few days, that i deserve this? Whats could i have done that i missed, thoughts go through my head as i think. I feel the depression sinking in, every time i think of something else. I keep my happy face on, because this feeling seems too unreasonable to think about, besides, not many will know how to help, since i don't even know the god damn reason for it!! Still a thought tells me i should at least tell someone about it.
Tomorrow's paper is literature, not much to study, for as long as i know how the story goes, i will be able to pass.
Me misses jiejie=(, haven talked to her since monday><. She's upset=(, me really wants to help you, me wish i can do more...

I can't hold on
When its stretched so thin
i can't rely on myself
Not me alone
with thought of falling
sinking in...

My Depression Remains

2009-10-13T02:15:00.000-07:00

Who knew that sadness was such a persistent feeling, after locking most of the feelings that are unwanted away, only one feeling was left... Depression. Now its burning at my soul, and i don't know what i can do...
I seem to feel it when i close my eyes, like a sudden flame that would spark in there every now and then. Haiz, and now i know whats wrong, but i don't have the will to fix it.
For now i guess, i would let it roam until im ready to face it. Why can't i have mind of peace and happiness? Its suppose to be normal, but there are storms brewing in there, storms that i don't want to fight for now...
Now i just want to live my life and enjoy it, perhaps at the end of the year, when i feel stronger at least.
Exams are almost over.. 2 more days, and the 2 subjects are 2 that theres really little to study. I feel confident, besides, Its not really necessary to remember everything in my DnT text book=x, theres a manual with all of it and more i will be getting when i go to work=P. And for literature, theres really not going to be a need for it in the future=), just help me talk and quarrel better.XP
Im confident, now i just have to wait for the tomorrow to come.
For me this exam is already an obstacle passed, i already know i passed my english, science and maybe DnT=x. That means im going to sec4=P, not held back nor ITE lol. I still wish that fate on some of the bastards in my class, irritating people whos goal is to drag me down... NOT GONA HAPPEN!!!!
And i just got a new song, i don't know this sentence in the song means alot to me
"when the rich wage war its the poor who die", its a linkin park song as usual, and it kind of true.
Anyway, im just going to continue life, and continue holding on. Its wired, i always thought letting go would be easier, but it seems, im not good at that, holding on is me=)

Im left in the wake
of the mistakes
slow to react...

Recover...

2009-10-12T02:13:00.000-07:00

The pain has past for now, thanks to cp and jie=), we had a conference last night, and they pulled me back together^^.
Though the pain is over, the wound are still open, and i still feel fragile now. My legs are still weak, i still feel burning within me, but all these is nothing that i can't handle=).
Now my healing, my recovery begins, now is time to re-lock all my feelings away, but this time. But there are some that i feel i would want to release, i guess, it just depends on when im ready.
I still feel my broken heart still in pieces, but thats hard to heal, and i don't think i want to go through it, with the risk of breaking it again, at least not now, but hopefully soon.
Some problems, i guess im ready to face as well. Time to find proper friends who would care about me, not like the bunch i made in my class...
I just hope i don't fall again, in the state im in now, another fall won't be as easy to come out of. I hope i don't let myself down again...

"til the silence splits me open
til it puts me on the ground
til i have no breath
and no roads left but one"
(Linkin Park No Roads Left)
To remind me that i will always be here
Til the very end

Fell Down Again...

2009-10-11T03:30:00.000-07:00

Slept earlier last night, but accidentally woke up at 5 instead of 7 because of the alarm=(
Today i was planing to do some studying, and hope that it would be a normal day. Who knew that i ended up slipping like never before...
I got pissed at my mom, because she just wouldn't admit her mistakes, and keeps walking out when people are pointing out her wrong. But thats not what im most concern about, i just told her i won't talk until she admits it.
My tired mind just wouldn't leave me alone today, something broke in me, caused so much thoughts, painful thoughts. CP asked me what was it about, friends, family, exam, or r/s, i don't know, part of everyone of them to be exact.
For my friends, i guess its just people who don't really think about me, just a bystander to them. For my family, im just so freaking pissed at all of them...
For exam and r/s, i really have no more fate in myself, every time i think about it, i see failure, probably more on r/s.
People ask me before, do i want one, i say no, but i do, im just afraid. Im afraid of pain, afraid to fall and not get up, like i see so many do=(.
I don't know whats wrong with me><, i feel like im losing sight of myself, like my existence to myself seems so irrelevant.
Haiz, now i ask myself, how? How could i not know myself anymore...
Now my feelings are taking over, i try to sing a part of a song, tears rush to my eyes, and i feel like something just punched my heart. It hurts...
I try to make my life so that i won't loose anymore, won't get hurt. I have nothing to loose, and lost nothing, how come i still fall? How come i still get hurt?

Pain...
Thats all i see
when i close my eyes
Trying to snap out of it
Just trying

Almost Ready

2009-10-10T09:21:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, so many unforeseen things happened=(, jie was upset, at the same time as me feeling all the crushed feelings. Couldn't sleep last night, probable slept at 3.30, but remember alot of tossing and turning after that, Woke up at 6.45, dazed, tired, feeling lowest of the low.
The sun was already up, and i couldn't sleep anymore, kept worrying about jie=(, it took me trying out lifting my dads weights to take away the feeling that i always had in the morning.
I smsed jie and went downstairs, cried abit, but pulled myself together. At least when jie called, she seems better, i hope she is and will be=(, i really can't stop myself from worrying=x.
We all went into maple, and did so many things, scarlion, papu, nick's rush quest, and everyone gained something.
When night came my tiredness went into massive state changes. First i felt dazed, and then it started to get worst, to the point of me getting angry at myself for being that way. It was really head bleeding pain, until awhile later, where it just numbed my entire brain, and i couldn't think, walk straight, sit properly and my body constantly threatened to collapse.
Then i suddenly had a rush of thoughts, thoughts of pain, thoughts of sadness, as if something was trying to unlock all i tried to keep aside for now...
Haiz, i feel like im getting better, but its still going to take awhile for me to know for sure......

Mistakes,
i wish i wont make
them ever again
Im afraid to fall again

The Pit Stop... Might As Well Be My End

2009-10-09T02:33:00.000-07:00

I feel so dazed, so tired, so crushed. The 1st 2 rest are over, english and chinese, anything can happen, my chinese, either fail completely, or pass well, my english, very well, or border line...
Last night and today i felt something, something forcing me to drag my life, force my legs to be weighted down, my arms, to be slowed. My body just feels so broken now, every move i make, feels like it going to hurt. But the wired thing is, that its not the limps that i move that threatens to hurt, it is my heart.
I keep hearing seemingly angry voices, but theres no one around. The tensions has passed its limits awhile ago. Now i feel lonely, every ones busy now, no one with me now, no one cheering me on. But the feeling, each time i get that i try to knock it out by thinking about those already with me. But even my mind learns, and now rejects any thoughts that can knock those feelings away.
I feel so broken, so out of touch, so much pain, lonely, but these are feelings everyone would feel when their in my state. Tired, sleepy, having headache, merely side effect of sleeping late.
I have not said anything since i put down the phone with jie earlier. Im trying to hold in the screams, the tears that just want to break out now. I wonder if thats the right thing to do, an angry voice at the back of my head tells me no.
I still don't know my problems, now it just feels like a heart full of pain, head full of stress, hand full of anger held in my chest.
Now the wait begins, for the exam to restart. I want to use the time and try and pull myself together. Just hope i don't end up with more pain=(, it already hurts so bad...
I need help to get through this...

I am crumbling
wish it could
just stop...

Hope jiejie is ok=(

7 more days to go

2009-10-08T01:49:00.000-07:00

The first day of the exam is over, as expected, it felt fast=P, had a wired dream when i fell asleep after doing the paper LOL.
The first was about find a girlfriend, the second was just looking at a picture, as if time stopped.
Of course the dream ended when the teachers said what they always say at the end of tests, "PENCILS DOWN!! THE TEST IS OVER". Scared the hell out of me at the time LOL, when you are forced out of a dream, your mind would merge abit of your dream, with whats happening. Due to that, i heard my discipline master's voice LOL!!!!!!
Haiz, anyway, mornings are still unchanged, wake up wanting to cry for a reason i still don't know. I suppose im getting used to it, just hopes the doesn't worsen.><
Tomorrow is my chinese paper, might as well don't go, but me promise jiejie me will pass the end of year paper, i really hope i can pass it=x. Just going to give it my all, and hope for the FUCKING earnest paper possible for sec 3s=P.
Anyway, after tomorrow, the days will just fly by...

I don't cry
for no reason
I don't cry
For physical pain
I cry when im hurt
just don't know
why im hurt=(

Whirlwind starts... tomorrow

2009-10-07T02:06:00.000-07:00

Haiz, tomorrow exams are starting, im happy that at least jie has made me feel better=) THANKS JIEJIE!!!!=D. Still the feeling torment me when i awake, but hopefully they will be gone soon. Time seems so slow these few days, i've been quite anxious.
The bow i have been making done at last^^, took 2 weeks of free time to complete it, but it was fun and worth it=). It just doesn't look nice in pictures though lol. And with all the negative support from my family. Making strong structures has always been abit of a talent of mine. through alot of experimentation, testing, and yes too much TV haha.
I don't know why i seem to have so few social qualities though, i promise im going to fix that by the end of the exams=P.
I still feel tired, even if i sleep early, i no longer get migraines, thats good^^.
Seems like i am getting more easily agitated, but of course, there are people i will never be angry at^^.
I don't know.. So many thoughts going through me now, i feel abit confused, just a little, it makes me paranoid><
Feeling like theres something you missed, like something is missing but you don't know what, whether to do things or not? But these are just thoughts, nothing that cannot be forgotten.
Just give me another week after end of year the exams, me promises me will be cheerful happy and back on my feet^^. And don't worry, me am still here, always here no matter how i feel=)

Im not alone
Never was^^
And never will be
Forever from now,
being me
Always here
for the people with me

I Need Help, Pulling Myself Up

2009-10-06T03:32:00.000-07:00

Here i lie now, tired. Haven had much sleep yesterday, and i don't know why, after awaking, i am stricken by heart breaking sadness. My mind tells me its nothing, but the pain is just too much to ignore.
Perhaps ignoring all the feelings and thoughts just causes this, i don't know, the thought just came to me. Some thoughts of loneliness, my fears, my paranoia, just decided to eat away my soul.
I really hopes it fades, sooner or later, the pain is as if someone just broke my heart, again and again, but there isn't anyone to do that, i made sure of it since my last try to rebuild my life.
This is probably just an emotional breakdown i guess. But first signs aren't looking good, i was hit by tears followed by sadness on my way home today. Lucky it faded after awhile, as my friends came over to do some work.
I am sure that this was not done my me intentionally, not much has passed through my mind for awhile unless writing my blog.
Anyway, i guess i got other things to worry about. My exams, friends, jie, and all those who need me.
I guess, I hope, this will fade soon...

Need help
can't afford to be
alone at this point=(

Unknown Sadness

2009-10-05T01:51:00.000-07:00

My heart aches, lying in pieces already, and still breaking...
I woke up this morning, it was about 5 seconds, when i suddenly felt sadness, pain, sorrow. I started crying, but i don't know why. The pain seem to came out of nowhere, perhaps, there was just too much going through me, so many feelings, so many things left unsaid for too long.
My heart still lies in pieces, only 25% of it remains in tact, but the healing stop there, and no more healing took place. That seemed ok at the time. Just the hole in me again.
Now i feel the pain, everything i should have felt so long ago. my already shattered heart breaks more, the pieces lie in bedded all around my body.
Yet through all this, im still trying to smile, not looking for help. Its a complicated thought that goes through my head. That maybe people just don't want to hear it, or how to say it to them even if they do.
Why is there so much pain, what could have cause my injured heart to be crushed farther.
Even now i feel the leaches on sorrow sucking the life out of my soul. Its frightening.
I don't want to go through this alone=(, and i know im not alone. I need help, this time it even hurts too much to think about it...

Exam is in 2 days, i think i should be ready...

I can't imagine
going through this
alone
Really hope that
im not alone now
I really need you

Im staying here 4ever

Not Moving

2009-10-04T03:06:00.001-07:00

It seems as though, all the storms, all the waves hitting this path, all only come when my guard is down. Why is that so? And what am i to do?
Haiz, my world is already so torn up, so broken, as if it has been hit so many times by the storm im protecting against. What do i do? I only see 2 choices, to stay and protect, or to return to my path and clean it up. This is almost not a question anymore...
I don't want to abandon the people who i feel closes to, and even if i did go back, i will just be alone again. There is no one walking on my path anymore, and i guess many have even forgotten about it, including me.
I really don't want to move from where i am, i am happy here, not alone, nor upset. But still, no human can stand aside to watch their world in the state mine is now. But there i am alone, not a person walks that path with me, and not a person will want to walk it with me.
For now, i will keep to the promise. I will ALWAYS be here, no matter what happens to myself or my world. This is where i feel a sense of belonging, a sense of happiness. And no matter how crapped up my world gets, as long as i have to return to it alone, i will never go back to it.
Still my heart sinks, as i know im back to sitting here to watch and be ignored. The storm won't return unless im gone, so im back to doing nothing...... the feeling of unimportance is painful...
Im flooding with feelings, they make me want to cry, but i don't know what they are...

A sense of belonging
is more important then
a sense of achieving

No

2009-10-04T03:06:00.000-07:00

Back In Line, For Me

2009-10-03T05:10:00.000-07:00

It really seems like it, the storm, its gone. All the pains, everything, seems to have missed everyone i was trying to protect. Im still not sure whether to let my guard down or not, but its hard, one person, alone being paranoid.
I guess, its really time to admit my job is done for now. I don't know whether to smile or not, now im kind of dizzy, headache, and yea can't walk straight. My purpose her has been drained, i should be happy, but whats there to be happy about at this dead end? My time left here is up to the people i walk with now=), i really hope i can stay, despite being unable to move. My fear is for them to forget me, loose interest in me, but who am i to decide for them=x.
Now i return to my line, my "home". It seems so broken, so empty, i really did not want to come back. But this is my life, whether its pretty or not, and i guess its just me, left in here to clean it up...
Without anything left for me to do, i guess, my focus is back on my exams. I still gots people i want to achieve good grades for, even if this year isn't all that important.
I guess im ready, ready to get to sec 4 anyway=x. Still, this end of year exam is like a challenge to me, all the other test, all the other CAs or SAs don't matter to me, this is what i have been waiting for to be over.
Oh well, i got time, not like another purpose will appear out of the blue tomorrow.

Even with this
emptiness of uselessness
I am happy,
happy for you guys=)

A Little Neglect

2009-10-02T07:07:00.000-07:00

Looks like everything is back to normal, everyone's smiling again. Still i dare not let my guard down.
Jie and CP just went offline, my mom is starting to nag me abit too. I started thinking, but these don seem to be happy thoughts.
I was trying to remember how i ended up here, what are my goals on this road. I still remember 1 thing i said to myself at the very beginning.
I thought, this was going to be like everyone else i met so far, just stay awhile, settle the problem, and i disappear after it is done. But its different, its lasting longer, giving me more enjoyment, meeting people i really want to care about. I finally found something i feel close to.
But all the thoughts are shattered by one thing. What if im done here, what happens after all is done, is it just going to end just like that again?.. tears flow from my eyes as these are being thought, though i am not crying. What keeps coming to mind, is to make it last longer, but that will cause only more suffering and sadness, nothings pains me more then seeing those around me hurt, even the thought of being pushed aside does not bring that amount of pain.
I know, all the people reading this is going to say that they will always need me. And i know that i will stay here as long as they allow me. But eventually, a dried up leaf drops from the tree, falling to the grown and crumbling.
OMG!!! Im thinking so negatively again><
The last phase is almost complete, i don't know how i will react when i see if finished, will i be overjoyed that all the pains and suffering is over? or will i despair after undoing myself willingly? I have never been one to think of my outcome, and even if i do, as long as i served a purpose in someone's life, even if it means killing myself inside in the end, i will still be happy=). After all, im only human, if this was what was intended for me, to sacrifice all i have to help anyone, then i will do it happily.
Still i wonder what will be my outcome, already i feel abit of the neglect that comes when your use is over, will this neglect grow to the point to me being pushed aside?
I don't know, and probably won't want to, it just hurts to think about the loneliness i once suffered.
I really hope u guys won't leave me=(, i can't bear feeling the lonely and purposeless life i used to feel again... a friend is all i am now

Neglect? or
Thinking too much?
I don't know
It still feels
lonely at times
Learning to live with it

Keeping It Together

2009-10-01T01:18:00.000-07:00

The storm still lurks just out side of this world, my guard is up, and i am prepared for the worst.
For now at least my efforts to stop it is working, many things are starting to return to the way they are suppose to be.
The exams grow ever nearer, and i guess im pretty much ready, most of my studying is best done under pressure just before the exam itself.
Its finally my birthday month^^, and finally, a year that i have people who care about me to share it with. Past birthdays, weren't as bad still, but the past 2 had been nothing much.
I really can't wait^^, the chalet will be booked by the weekend and the plans are almost ready=).
Hopefully all the effort to stop the storm has worked><. My fear is that i would have to spend my birthday alone=(

My time is coming,
after these long years
its finally my turn
to be happy=)

Awakening

2009-09-30T01:58:00.000-07:00

Exams are almost here, i feel storms coming. And its not only the exams.
Lately it feels as though everything is just threatening to explode, all the demons, all the feelings, everything is just about to give way.
I used to wake up staring at the beautiful sky which although meant that there was peace, just causes thoughts to go through my mind. With each beautiful day that passes, a new storm prepares to rain down. All the feelings that have been locked away, now too are breaking through the doors of my soul.
Im preparing for the worst, all the loose ends, all the forgotten details, all i have sealed as tight as i am allowed. But i am only me, a weak teenager, a shadow of what i felt i was awhile ago.
How come, how come everything has to happens at once. And now i feel even more useless, my use has literally cut down to only watching. In any case, a watcher does not intervene, but i don't want to sit back, and watch all the suffering from where i stand, i want to help.
I have been holding off fate countless times, is that really such a sin that now i am forbidden to help?
I don't know, i just don't want to watch, thats all i did for so long.

The storms coming
i just hope it doesn't
finally destroy all
i know and love

Unseen side

2009-09-29T00:58:00.000-07:00

So many unseen sides were reviled today, so many things that i have foreseen seem to be happening. But all happening before i thought it would...
For awhile, i knew jie would eventually return to spooky, but who knew that what i worked for to help CP open his eyes would only be short lived. Something has happened, acceptance maybe, i feel it chilling my bones to the core. I myself have accepted facts as well, but it seems that it is not me accepting this time.
For the first 3 months after getting close with jie, i guess she had seen 1 thing that have pretty much admitted, i did have feelings for her, but now those feelings have been locked away, accepted as impossibilities, and to allow me to go on enjoy what time is left on this road. But now i see those feelings in ray, and have been ever since he came back from msia. Still don't know if im right, but i really don't want to find out, so many things happening now, im getting afraid if all of them happen at the same time=(. And this, i guess, is going to be one of the hardest to go through.
I guess Jie has also went through her own acceptance, still, i am afraid of the out come. Humans were never made to let go nor to sacrifice, if there is pain, it is unlikely that it will heal by itself. I am here for you ok jie, always is and always will be^^
I still haven't heard from cp ever since last week though, wondering whats he up to.
As for myself, today has pretty much been a long day, my friends vandalized our class walls during last period when there was no teacher with us, abit afraid that i may be blamed for it=x. Nights are still the longest, still filled with paranoia, but at least no more pain is there. Thoughts continue to flood my head. Recently i have been trying to foresee what will happen now. I feel the pressure building already, the tension in the air, i just hopes nothing blows up, not now...

No progress happens
without sacrifice
or acceptance
But im tired of sacrificing
everything i have

Time, Thats All I Have

2009-09-28T01:48:00.000-07:00

Exams are coming, By next week thursday, day 1 of it begins. Im still nervous about chinese, literature and social studies, but i think i got the rest down. Im planning to test myself one of the days before the exam starts. For chinese, literature and social studies, all that needs to be done is reading, but i can bearing stare at a short chinese sentence for 5 minutes unless it is followed by questions, and even that gives me headache after awhile.
I guess social studies can be pulled up if i start reading now, though my teacher says its impossible. I can remember key facts to everything that is in the syllabus only not the format in which i am to write it in.
Anyway, i won't be using much social studies in the future, for now its just something that i want to replace my chinese with to achieve a better score when i go for my N levels.
Though time seems so little to those that don't have these exams, to me, there is alot of time. Each day i can understand 1 new concept, and that will give me more then enough for the end of year. On top of all this, i don't really have much to do anymore, my days seem to be reduced to waiting.
But in my eyes, this is the isolation that helps me open my eyes, to let me read people better, to understand them better. I accepted that for now i am to watch and follow, so thats what im going to do.
They say time waits for no man,who ever thought that i would be the one waiting for it.

I just want
to be moving again
Not waiting

reverting course

2009-09-27T02:55:00.000-07:00

For awhile now, i walked on a path closes to the people who need me. Now the path im walking on is about to reach a dead end. I have always tried to help people no matter what the cost, no matter what sacrifice it takes, And it seems that i eventually meld into their lives.
Now the story is ending, even now, it seems like im no longer needed. Though i am preparing to retrace my steps back to where i start to wait for a new path that i may take, i still continue the path to the very end, although my usefulness and influence has left me, and this path no longer offers anything more to love, i still enjoy walking it, enjoy the peace, the story, and still feel close everyone that i am walking with. And when the time finally comes to turn back, i don't know if i can even take the walk back. On the way back i would see all the memories, how the story came to be, how i came into the story, and also how i leave it.
It is a painful thing to think about, never the less, it will happen. No matter how much i do, i discovered that no one needs a person like me forever, and though i feel like i may be wrong about that, for now at least, it keeps me trying my best, to prove myself wrong, thats the goal i want to achieve.
For now i want to enjoy whats left of my time here, even though i am useless, and even if no one on this road needs me anymore, i am reverted back into a shadow. But like i promised before, i will stay til the day u don't want me here. And if ever that day comes, i will vanish, all that i have done, all that i helped accomplish, will all be forgotten, as if i never existed. Still every, path that i walk is engraved in my mind, i will never forget all the hardships and laughter we shared.
Every time someone asks me if i am ready, i always reply, im always ready, for once im not, and never will be.
Even if i may be a shadow, i will still watch over u guys, try and do what i can for you guys. Now that i think about i never really did anything on this path, i only guided, but never did anything, you guys did it yourselves.

Like a shadow
im always here
for you guys

Turning around

2009-09-26T06:14:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, after talking to jie and cp at night, i decided to cast aside all these feelings of loneliness. Since then, alot of those feelings have subsided, thanks to them=). Though, it was not done without cost, pissed jie quite abit><, for that i will always feel guilt. The guilt is one that will remind me, never to go near that path again. Then again, because of all that, it seems i have made another oversight when writing my blog yesterday. Hopefully i didn't spark anything too large><, i always wanted to be the one that ends the flame not start it.
Today i spent most of the day onl9 with cp, jie and ray^^. jie woke up real late, must have been extremely tired the yesterday.
We slacked online until jie wanted to smoke, and did around 4. I didn't know that, but by the first 10 minutes i already guessed it lol, cp had called herand they chatted til they fell asleep LOL. Still i decided to wait, i went to my corner in FM room 18, and started thinking.
The thoughts didn't hurt this time, more did it touch the part of my mind that i had wanted to awake for a long time now.
It seems like the campaign for happiness that i had start for jie and cp seems to be coming to an end. As i promised, the plan has a far better outcome then rick's instant gratifying plan of just using himself to cover the hole, no, i had fate that by guidance alone and by resolving problem, would we truly get anywhere.
Phase 1 of the plan has been completed, and now is the part where i meld back into the shadows to watch. Phase 1 was to make CP realize mistakes and correct them permanently. Now is where my usefulness comes to an end, the part where they start drifting away from my guidance and friendship, to live on.
Still, phase 2 at this point is equally important. The story it seems, is ending soon. Any sadness, any misconceptions til then takes away time that cannot be recovered. My reason for existence here, is to watch, and protect the peace that has befallen us.
Even as time goes on, and my purpose in life is reduced back to waiting and watching, now at least, it happens with peace, no more regrets, no more words that i felt were left unsaid.
The only question i have to myself now, is what do i wait for now? Why do i wait here, instead of move on? What else is there to wait for once this is over? All these question, i could remember the promise to stay with u guys until the very end, not end of the story, but end of my eternity.

For now i lie here useless and motionless
waiting, for my purpose to be revived
Until it does i will remain here
always being here for you guys

Pain After Pain

2009-09-25T01:29:00.000-07:00

Haiz, today of all days i feel down...
I just want the loneliness to go away, instead today it brought me more pains. Headache, stomach ache, tired even though i slept early, and my body felt so weak. If there wasn't anything to lean on i would have fell, all that on top of the heavy burning in my heart.
Worst still, now i don't feel like i can talk anymore, it was the feeling i had back when all i wanted was to watch, watch people's lives, not to intervene. I feel like i am invisible again, everything i say, everything i do, seems to do nothing, as if it was never done.
Eventually, i learn to not waste my breath and just stop talking...
I felt like i was being ignored by everyone...
I couldn't talk to jie cause she was buzy, and even if i tried, the reply will just come back slow or not at all. I don't blame them cause this is their time i understand, more do i blame myself for letting me slip so far...
I don't feel any light anymore, i close my eyes, hoping the light has not gone, but after today, i dare not hope again. Each hope seems to be crushed, striking me harder and harder. It seems like its easier not to hope, not to want.
I thought the loneliness could be eazed last night, jie wasn't that sleepy, i thought that night would not be lonely. But she needed to talk to ray, he hadn't talked to her since he came back, and who am i to stop her, he probably wanted to talk to her more. I told myself one thing, without anyone willing to sacrifice anything, nothing will be accomplished. Still that did not in anyway eaz my loneliness...
Jie is still out with cp, i hope they have a good time.
From the time i got home til now, all i did was sit and stare, thinking, trying to find away to eaz the loneliness. But the thought was interrupted when my sis brought her friends home. I retreated to the one thing that still seems like it can listen to me, the computer. Despite that it does not have life, it is the last thing that i can vent my feelings out on.
I know, almost no one reads my blog now, and i don't know why i still type so much here. I guess some hopes are harder to let go. I just hope that one of you guys would still be reading. But i guess like all the other hopes, fate will just use it to crush my spirit again...
So much pain, so much loneliness, so much anger, but no way to cure it. Thats what hits me the most.
Through all this, i find it hard to show it, everyone that talks to me, i just give them a short reply, online or while using the hand phone, i seem cheerful as if theres nothing happening to me...
I just need someone, just ONE, that can shine on me now.
Haiz, but thats just another hope to be crushed......
through all this i can't help but feel like i missed something, something that caused all these feelings to erupt in me.
But, im only me. I only can take so much of this before i breakdown myself, and i feel like im on the verge of giving up...
It seems like all this few weeks, the blog has only been about my feelings, it was never intended to be read, and it might well never be read...
Haiz, this is the first time i let my emotions affect me physically, i really have slipped, slipped far.
After im done posting this i will go back to staring at nothing i guess......

Feels like no one is shining on me anymore
Feels like im alone...

I Don't want to be alone...

2009-09-24T02:21:00.000-07:00

Just got my phone back today, i don't know, seems like one day has past, and now im confused, disorientated at where i am. I didn't really get back my hand phone until 1.30, before then i was feeling so lifeless in school, feeling tired, just wanting to lie down on the table and sleep. I really missed jie as normally i would be checking on her as well><
Really wasn't in a good mood, with every small irritants i come across i just felt like screaming><.
If you guys thought its because i didn't get enough sleep last night, i slept at 11, earliest since the start of the week, and i feel downer then ever...
Last night was the worst, i lay down after i was done with my work around 10, and i couldn't shake the feeling of loneliness. I really don't blame anyone for this, i knew what everyone was doing at that time, and why they couldn't be there to es my loneliness. Jie was already sleeping, and i was sure she wouldn't still be awake, but i kept hanging on to my house phone.
Then i kept hearing my friend's voices, it took me an hour to think of something that will get rid of those sounds.
And even in sleep, i wasn't at peace. I had a dream, a dream of being locked in a white room alone, where i slowly lost my mind. The wired thing is, i really do feel like im loosing it><. I seem to be talking less, talking softer, talking softer, as if i was dieing somehow...
Haiz, i don't blame anyone for this loneliness, i really don't, i just wish it would leave me alone like how it did 2yrs ago......

Exams are coming,
don't know if this will destroy
all i want to accomplish...

Lonely Night

2009-09-23T02:45:00.000-07:00

Looks like the day of happiness is over, feels so short until i thought of the boredom i had just thinking about whats going on.
Ray seems to be back, he really misses jie alot after he came back from msia. At least their finally getting to talk soon ba.
Last night was and unusually lonely night as well. So i lay down to think, wired thing is that while i was thinking, i suddenly heard noises i knew couldn't be real. The nights are especially lonely for me, the last person that i would hear, is my mom to check if i was about to sleep, if not jie if she calls.
I enjoy it when she calls, it makes me feel like someone is comforting me, and when she conferences with cp it just becomes funny and i forget the thoughts going through my head.
But that night jie went to sleep early, and my mom did not come in my room. It was in one word, lonely. from the time i got home from teakwando, i took my bath and lay down on my bed, knowing that it will be by myself, alone.
Thats why it was wired when i started hearing my hand phone vibrate when i wasn't, and my com making msn sounds when it was off. Things that i would use to interact with others, most probably because i was lonely. I still checked them hoping that somehow, some way someone did just sms or call, but, the same was expected each time, nothing, zero, rock bottom...
Eventually i ignored it, and fell asleep...

Today however, something abit different on top of the lonesome feeling lingering in me, Got my handphone confiscated again, that was a downer><, friend kicked it when i dropped it on the floor then got picked up by teacher lol, hopefully i can get it back by tomorrow, going to miss jiejie=(... it feels like something is about to happen
Something is going to happen
Hopefully something good><

End Of Year Is Coming

2009-09-22T02:31:00.000-07:00

Today was the first day i tried my best to focus on work. I tried my best to focus in class, and yea, feels like im learning=P.
Smsed jie abit less, so i can focus more on the lesson rather then talking to her, pretty much worked, but yea, me missed jiejie=(. At least all lessons have to end, so yea i smsed her at the end of each lesson^^.
The day has been pretty normal, by all standard, this has been the most normal day i felt in awhile.
Maybe just enjoy it for awhile, but in the mids of all the peace, and serenity of it all, i still feel something burning in me, and eventually this calmness will become unbearable just as the pain before it, only then will i open the flame, and see what keeps it burning.
For now, exams are near, im trying to do more studying before next week, then by next week, i guess i will be crazy studying...
Wish me luck, and hope jie will be with me til the end, thanks for being here so far^^

I have never been a hero for anyone before, not once something good has happened because of me, that is y i find so much pleasure in trying to help people, so far, it has only been hope that kept me going, the hope to finally see me be able to do something, to be the one that did it, not the one who comforts or stands by. But recently, i ask myself, how can i be a hero for anyone if i can't even do it for myself, all my problems, all of them are resolved, not by me, by someone else, another hero, this exam could be a start, something that i finally accomplish. And perhaps, maybe just perhaps, bring me one step closer to do something for someone else, be someone's hero.

Weekend's end

2009-09-21T02:46:00.000-07:00

The best weekend i ever had has come to an end. The weekend started with CP, Jie, Alvin going to buy CP's bday present at tempanis. First we went to meet Jie and Alvin at their house, then go to jie's office to get her jacket lol. It was the first time seeing Alvin, and yea, almost the same as my other friend at school haha=P.
We went to the hotel first, to put down our stuff, the hotel receptionist was abit rude at first, cause there was 4 of us, and we booked a two person room. But yea, after you get past ignoring what he said, he's quite friendly ba.
We wanted to watch G-force, but the timing for it was so fucked-up, that we couldn't catch it, so Jie chose another movie=P, time traveler's wife lol.
It was an ok movie, quite touching=P.
Then jie reminded me that we forgot to buy the cake LOL!!!! So we decided to split up, me and cp went to get drinks, jie and alvin went to get the cake, so we can keep it a surprise=P
Alvin and jie wanted to go to the hotel room first, to prepare the surprise, but got stuck outside the room lol.
When we got in, we waited for the pizza, i went to bath first, then alvin, then jie and cp.
Just nice they were showing hancock that night=P, a movie after the movie, how nice lol.
We chatted until about 1, then we tried to sleep, i couldn't sleep, at first was don't know why, but didn't want to disturb cp and ting talking, so i kept quiet. Then they came over to shift Alvin, cause he was taking up so much space on the bed LOL, it was nice of them^^
Oh ya almost forgot, every time jie was in the toilet, me and Alvin were fighting on the bed LOL, he keep hitting my leg and i kept making him fall haha=P.
Then this morning, we spent the first part of the day watching a ghost movie, then decided on a place for eating.
Went near jie's work place to eat, had mixed rice=P, nearly the same as the one my mom use to bring me to at chai chee.
Then slacked there for awhile, before going to Jie's house to slack and play dai di=P, and NO!!! We did not play money, if not i will be COMPLETELY broke by now haha=x
Anyway, thanks jie and cp for letting be part of their lives, it hasn't always been a happy journey, but it seems the more hardship we go through together, the closer we get.^^ And remember me will ALWAYS be here, forever, til the day you don't want me anymore.
Me loves being here^^
That could have been something i wrote on a card for them, but did not have paper><, anyway enjoy the stars^^, no matter the size, like a star in the sky, let it watch over you, as i always will.

Now the work for exams begin...
Its going to be hard><, hope jie can be with me through these hard 3 weeks=)

Today Is The Day!!

2009-09-19T20:04:00.001-07:00

Finally the day to celebrate CP's bday has come^^. WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Im shaking with excitement and i can't stop lol.
Meeting the whole gang today=P, its going to be so fun^^
Time to be happy and enjoy this happy day=)

Lifted Pain

2009-09-18T19:11:00.000-07:00

Finally the weekend i have been waiting for is finally here^^. The excitement has lifted almost all the symptoms of not sleeping for i don't know how long already.
The torment has finally lifted, all the pains all the noises has left me, for now i feel at least at peace.
But out of the serenity and peacefulness of it all, a slight bit of sadness remains, what is it? Thats a question even i can't answer now...
Thing is, finally i don feel anger or sadness on top of my sleepiness, i feel like myself again^^
Things are falling back into place again, my world feels almost complete again.

And yea i haven't been writing about what i have been up to for awhile, soon my friends, SOON!!

Turn Around

2009-09-17T02:18:00.000-07:00

Its Thursday, i have been miserable for 4 days already><. Im done with it, I want to feel better. For most of today, my torment has lifted abit, probably cause i slept more last night, almost fell asleep in oral when it was close to my turn.
But seems like the energy that i felt was short lived. Now im feeling the full burden of being tired.
AHHHH!!! At least i felt comfort for awhile. Thanks to jie and cp, managed to catch some sleep last night ba. THANKS GUYS^^!!!
But seems like i've lost most of my mind to the torment, for the entire day i was blur, couldn't hear most of what the teacher was saying, and i couldn't think straight><. I seem to panic when anything that forces me to think fast, thats just not me, that just doesn't happen to me. Its so frustrating just feeling it is enough, but now im affected by it, my performance, my abilities, haiz Im done with it, im getting rid of it, THIS WEEK, i can't imagine it escalating, already i felt what might happen if it continues. Slowly, one by one, im going to stop working. Already i worked out how a person dies of no sleep, first he looses his mind, starts slipping, making mistakes, that alone is to weaken the human ability to react, but not enough to kill him. Next, control of limbs becomes harder and harder, starting from the part that does more work, the legs to the arms. Eventually, the stress on the brain will cause hallucinations and unreasonable paranoia. that alone with the loss of control over body parts becomes a potent combination that will cause him to make possibility fatal mistakes.
I don't want to die like that, im still young, only 15, i still have a life.
For a long time i always wanted to be needed. Needed to help, needed to comfort, needed to guide, i want to do them all. In a way it gives me satisfaction to some extent. But now, it seems, im the one that needs help. Now is the loneliest time i ever had, less people to talk to, less people who understand me, less people to help me. This is an irony i never expected, it has never been in my nature to find help, but now i do, i admit it. I now realize that the world is too harsh for someone as weak as me to wonder alone...

And i hope i never need to......

Still Tired, Just Tired

2009-09-16T01:10:00.000-07:00

Its been about a month since i couldn't seem to get much or no sleep. I don't know whats wrong, every time i lie down, emotions and thoughts just flood my head.
I don't have any disease, im just tired, no normal person my age will know how its like, to want to sleep, but just couldn't, no normal person will know what its like to close your eyes, to see sorrow, and despair. The torment is almost unbearable, but yet i choose to go on.
There must be something missing from me, something that can still be recovered, something that comforts me, and blocks all this torment.
last night however, wasn't as bad, jie and cp talked to me before i slept, so a few minutes after i hang up, i went to sleep, only to be FREAKING woken up again by a dream......
I fainted in school, i just finished my test, and just like that, everything went black. Joel poked me to wake me up, i guess they didn't even know i had fainted, they thought i fell asleep lol. In a way, fainting is sleeping, but on a more breaking down fashion.
Haiz, guess my limit is almost reached, i always thought i could take more, always thought i was stronger...
Its a truth i can't deny, i can talk strong, and can act strong, but im weak...
Still im not one to give up, let the torment continue if it must, let everything i know and love be taken away if its the way fate had decided, im not giving up, not going down, as long as there is one star that shines, im staying here, even if the star isn't me, as long as light still shines, i will always be happy!!!!
It only takes one, just one, one person to keep away of the emptiness i once felt and to give this dreamer and his hopes up......
I just hope there will always be someone there for me, and i know there are already, people who want to be here til the story ends.

I'm Tired...

2009-09-15T02:00:00.000-07:00

Haiz, seems like i have no interest in whats happening in school anymore, i've been thinking quite alot, trying to go through each problem still bottled up in me.
These few days i haven't been getting much sleep, with the turmoil of emotions in me, i guess, its because, i was thinking too much. every night when i go to sleep, paranoia and worries hit me, and each weeknight is as cruel as the last. Night it seems, is the loneliest part of each day, so, for at least that short time, everything i do, think and feel, is mostly done by myself. Every attempt to comfort myself, is followed by more questions and thoughts that worry me so.
I miss the times that i have people to talk to and comfort me before i sleep, when i was younger, it used to be my mom, but now, what she talks about irritates me, and seems to push me more then comfort me, she will keep going on and on about things she read about people my age and keep nagging me about it... And during sec 1, it was my friends, we will just keep conferencing and chatting lol, but now, they all are busy with work and computer at night.
How i wish there was someone there at night that i can talk to, to let out feelings and thoughts, so that i may go to sleep happy. Every night it seems, i only get about an hour of sleep before waking up, and even in sleep, im not happy, each minute im still taunted by what i was thinking about and wake up soon after... Every night i go to sleep agitated, confused, paranoid, and even if i sleep smiling, behind the smile is a tormented soul which just wan peace, just for the night.
Is that really too much, is that really out of my reach? To be able to sleep happily, without all the paranoia and worries. If it really is, i might as well be dead inside...
All the torment will soon come to me when im awake as my body tries to sleep in the day, and soon every moment, every second, every beat of my heart will be filled with torment, and i really will become a tormented soul......

Realization

2009-09-14T03:12:00.000-07:00

I think the bottle in me has stopped filling already. Seems like talking about it really helps, smsed most of what i felt to jie in the morning and nearly got my handphone confiscated again by a more strict teacher for doing so lol=P. But yea, its still pretty full><. I guess i have to slowly work it out ba, at least the pressure has stopped rising, if it continues i think im going to blow anytime soon.
I realized alot of my fears, alot of my mistakes. Im afraid to be alone, to have no one to turn to, to pushed aside like a tool. Im afraid, to be left, to be forgotten, haiz, in my mind i did felt like i was being forgotten by everyone around me, i felt like i made so many mistakes that i have become obsolete, useless, to all that i felt close to.
Haiz, its scary to be alone, its as if life were a dark room, and the people you have with you lights it up, but the painful part, is watching all those people leave, every bright star in your life suddenly disappearing, making life that much dimmer, and darker.
I really hope i can never have this feeling again><, but then although my life is bright, they are lit up by few but bright stars, its my nature to find good friends, those that will never try and hurt me. But thats also what leaves me so vulnerable, so afraid to loose... so exposed to pain and sorrow to strike at me.
It is in human nature to find a group, to make their life brighter, but for me, i don't want to start picking off dim stars, that although keeps me more safe, are like empty balls of light with little purpose, no, i want to be bright differently, i want close friends, not just friends to protect me, but who will care for me.
I have made myself this way, as in the past although i had many friends, they were random, had no meaning and didn;t really give a shit about me. And i grew envy for the people who had little, but that much more caring friends...

I wan that type of life... I really do......

Tormented

2009-09-13T02:25:00.000-07:00

Today was ok i guess, spent the day in maple, helping cp, jie, and rick to hb while they spammed.had to cut my hair lol, it sucks.
Haiz, i don't know whether its because im tired or what. I just don't feel happy today, i guess thats the sign that the bottle in me is about to explode. I think it only leaked today, as only short bursts of pain hit me at a time.
Now im trying to think, why? I didn't know so much has been bottled up in such a short time, and now the pressure hurts even more.
i shedded a few tears earlier, i don't know why, and for awhile now my eyes are watering. What is this feeling im having, its not emptiness, its not a sense that something is coming, maybe, its just because i haven't talked to anyone much since the middle of the holidays...
Haiz, school again tomorrow, let the hiding and lies begin, no one in school must find out about this.
I really didn't feel like it was fair for for them if i were to spill all these emotions on everyone today, they just seem so happy at the beginning, and having develop their own problems at the end. Jie was happy at the beginning and now shes upset, i guess shes talking to cp now, who is taking care of her in her time of need. I don't think im who they need to hear now.... Everyone else just won't understand this problem, the line for them will be "your thinking too much" or "LOL wei yan is emo"......
AHHHHH I HATE MYSELF!!!! How come my options are so limited, why must it be now that i realize all this. Im lonely, with so few i can share with and those i can share with busy with their situations.
I know, right now i guess i should put myself at the last priority, and even if i think about it, i can't do anything alone, i just end up shedding tears...
I guess right now everyone including myself has put me at their last priority list, even if its just for work, im last priority. I enjoy this ability to sometimes be forgotten, to disappear, and be ignored, to be found later after i have gone, but sometimes that is what brings me down most...

Crushing Hope

2009-09-12T07:20:00.000-07:00

Today just cam back from Ngee Ann poly, it was so freaking big lol. No didn't bring back any prize because of ALOT of rule change at the last minute. Haiz, was disappointed at that, i thought to myself, at least today i will still get to go home so i was still pretty happy.
Haiz, today was suppose to be a good day, how come it seems to end so wrong. When i came home, jie and cp was already spamming, rick was hbing, immediately Ray appeared upset, and that was the first problem of the day, it took awhile before we managed to talk some sence into him, by that time i was reminded i needed to go to my grandma's house at night...
I thought to myself, minor set back, after i come home i can finally enjoy being back with the people i missed. AHHHHHHH, FUCK MYSELF FOR THINKING THAT!!! Jie called just before i left my grandma's place, she sounded so upset><, but my mom and dad was there, and so i can't talk too openly like i always do. I told her i will call when i got home. She didn't answer, and so i found her on maple spamming again. She seems so upset, and that made the bottle feelings in me to leek out abit, i really wanted to know what had happened... she just wasn't in the mood to talk yet. It is these times that i hate myself for being part of the background of it all...
And now pains and anger is bottled up again, giving me pain as the bottle over fills and pressure of sadness build up in my heart.
How could a day i've been looking forward to turn out so FUCKING wrong. I guess i blame myself, every time i look forward to something, everything just falls apart. I don't know, probably i curse that i carry...
Haiz its starting to get painful to push my problems aside, but the only people that i trust with sharing it with all have their own problems. I don't wan to be a burden at this time of distress for them, and yea, i guess i can't expect too much, im just another person in their lives......
Perhaps when everything has calmed down for them, and their not in such distress that i cause them that much more problems, but i don't dare to hope too much anymore, it hurts to see hope being crushed like that...
Haiz, it is times like these that being alone for so long actually comes in useful, i guess i can hold on, for how long is my question

Heaven Shining On Me

2009-09-10T05:26:00.000-07:00

Haiz, my mind seems to have cooled down since yesterday, helping me think more clearly.
Yesterday seemed like such a hurricane, so much knocked of balance, including myself. Today was better at least, in cca we made another bridge in 5hours 49minutes, and our time limit on tomorrow is 6hours. I've got to say the this one is better then the first that took 6hours(but with slacking in the middle) to complete.

1st try

2nd try
If u can't tell the diff, look closer haha
the 1st hold 3kg of weight, the 2nd holds 10kg and doesn't bend, there gots to be a difference right?=P
We voted for pink cause be agreed "only real men would use pink" LOL
And yea burned myself alot ogain, 14 times.

After school i was smsing jie, but had to meet the new councilor for awhile. I guess i was more angry at the FUCKING bitch that had to be there. Had a quarrel and a loud one, before i left with my friend, really felt like waking her, shes lucky shes a girl.
I guess that was cause by all the feelings i've been building up for quite awhile. I figured out my problem already, im lonly here. So little people understand what im going through, my parents, my friends, most just don't understand. And even the ones who do understand, like cp or jie all i feel guilty if i put my problems on them. I don't even know y i bother anymore, i can't find a way to fix this until after my school days, I DON'T WANT THIS FEELING FOR ANOTHER 4 YEARS!!! Im loosing my mind over this, i can't seem to focus, i can't get a grip...
AHHHH I CAN'T SEEM TO DO ANYTHING RIGHT WITH THIS ON MY MIND!!!!!!!

Haiz, tomorrow is the competition, better get ready...

Over Again

2009-09-09T03:05:00.000-07:00

Yesterday i was feeling happy as ever, Jie and CP were happy, i was thinking less, it seemed like it was there to stay. But that night when i went for my teakwando, i had a feeling, it felt like something was wrong, something was about to happen, as usual. Then i wondered what jie was doing, so i checked my hand phone during the break, jie smsed that she was crying><, but that wasn't the end, today she told me what happened to her last night. At the same time, i felt my pain again><, AHHHHHHH!!!! I guess at least now im coming close to thinking of a reason for my pain this time.
Hazizz, time is moving to fast><, Just yesterday i felt happiness, now i feel misery and sorrow.
For now im worried more about jie, she seems so down, depressed><. How i wish we can take a break, make time stop and relax for a moment. With each word i type here it seems as though im about to cry><, my heart fills with endless wants for others around me to be happy. Thoughts and things im doing for myself seem to have become a second nature, so that much more of my effort can be put into thought.
Why is this pain so hard to bare!!!>< I've taken 23 burns from the hot glue gun and 4 paper cuts today, and yet i didn't whine nor cry, but this, this is causeing my heart to cry and me to tear up.
I HATE IT WHEN THERES NO WHERE FOR ME TO TURN OR NO WAY TO HELP!!!!!!!...

Finally Happy

2009-09-08T00:34:00.000-07:00

Today wasn't disappointing, feels like so long since i felt this happy^^. All the feelings that caused me pain seemed to have vanished, into the cold never ending void of time. Today i went to school for my remedial, seems like i use less effort to stay happy=P, And i also don't hesitate to smile anymore^^.
Things are looking up, my life seems to be going back the the boring peace that i once hated, but now savor and appreciate. I hope this would last as long as it could, but hope don't bring much promise, as time goes on, it will bring more pains that will fill my heart. But now, now is the time to be happy, as long as i can, to think and see what is going around me, without feeling pain or sorrow. I never want to be left behind, physically and mentally, and i will drag myself to achieve that.
Thinking about it now makes me feel better, there was nothing that i should have been upset about, or maybe it has already past. What ever the case, the feeling is gone, im thankful for that.
Time for me to look a different way to see whats coming ahead and answer what questions linger in my head.
But still, like every feeling that comes and goes, it leaves emptiness, that i happily take knowing that its less painful.
Things are looking up... They are......

First Time

2009-09-07T06:39:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was great^^, JieJie just came back from Malaysia, and we were planning for awhile to meet her and CP that day. And yea, after awhile of delay we did. Lol, first times are always shy times, i could tell jie was shy, me i can feel it so strongly lol, CP, well abit hard to say, u touch ur face when ur lying or shy, but that was the only sign LOL.
We stayed around jie's house for awhile to chat, then went to long john to eat. I really didn't feel hungry, but yea just choosed a chicken dish haha=P. Was prepared to pay, but jie already payed, and didn't want to take my money><. Anyway thanks jie^^, me owes you one. Over there i did something disgusting, although i didn't do it for quite awhile already, it still didn't seem hard to do lol, i dropped a french fry on the floor and ate it=P, felt abit stupid, but yea THATS ME^^. Then started spitting ice at each other lol, more at CP cause shoot jie not fun to shoot lol.
Then we went playground, was my usual me, lol, climbing up. Jie said i was a monkey><, ME AM NO MONKEY!!! Anyway, all three of use ended up lying down on slides. And jie started smoking lol><, jiejie jyjy stop smoke ok, then cp was like right beside her, complete second hand smoking lol.
After awhile we got tired, me as usual stayed quiet, but thats me, i like disappearing whem im tired. CP also seemed to be getting emo, jie tried cheering him up, and i used joels method, POKING=P.
Around 11 we decided to go home, CP accompanied jie up to her house, i stayed downstairs, found a corner to sit while waiting lol=P.
The night stared abit bumpy, but yea, it was fun^^.
Then today, was dragged to sentosa by mom LOL. It was so boring><, was thinking of what cp and jie were doing lol. Missed them abit><, didn't really have a chance to chat with them much today. I got a new handphone at the end of the day lol, need to change sim card by wensday=P.
For awhile all my feeling were forgotten there, i really felt free again^^. But yea happiness don't last forever, especially for me><. Haiz, Jie, im sure everything will work out, CP, stop crapping when your bored=P. Really hope your happiness will last near forever^^.
Tomorrow i have school again, my busy time is come, hope im not dead at the end.
Now is the only time since last night that i have to think of whats happening to me and around me, got to say, its hard to catch up...

Cool Down

2009-09-05T01:44:00.000-07:00

woke up today with the same feeling as yesterday, feels like a bomb waiting to blow up in me. Early morning mom had to force my sis to do work, so as usual, must punish me cause she protested against it... Really bad timing for this, of all times she must do it now, normally i would tell her off, but this time i really had no mood to put up with it, so yea ignored what she told me and did work lo.
She tried to make me read chinese, i just walked past her like she wasn't there, really like no sensible, see me so moody trying to pin my sis failure on me. Eventually she got my point and yea she promise to leave me alone tomorrow woots^^.
So after i was done with work i went on maple and my corner to think as usual=P. The pain seems to be lurking in there all the while. Jie says it was just because i was bored, but ya, even while dotaing, the pain is there.
Anyway, i've decided to turn my back on this feeling, try to let go of it, but from past experience, i don't think it will work, but makes it worst.
Haiz at least now the feeling is numbed, i can get some time to pull myself together.
Jiejie is coming home tomorrow too^^, won't want to waste my mom free day haha, might be finding her and CP tomorrow, first time, so im excited=P.
OH MAN its so hard to believe its holiday, the exams are so near it even over shadows my free days.
Wooooo, my camping trip at ngee ann poly was comfermed earlier today=P. Thats also something to look forward to, hopefully my handphone will be fixed by then, the silence of my moms hand phone is deafening.
Last night there was a full moon, but it seemed empty, even being that huge.
Haiz, i really hope all feelings will be forgotten, i miss waking up smiling...
Tonight was a grim reminder of what i really am. I was put here to watch, but i tried to do more. Why can't i break from this ring of uselessness, every option, every path of thought i take, i try to do it for people. But in the end i am only a bystander, a insignificant support of those who are in this story im trying to fit into.
Now i question my meaning in this world, what am i if not a watcher...
Im sorry Jie, CP, i really can't think of what else i can do but to be here for you guys.

Pain I Feel So Badly

2009-09-04T07:12:00.000-07:00

Its been two days since my last entry, it feels so long...
I have been sleeping much for 4 days, that can't be good><. I had been working on my bridge making competition for the last two days, got burned on my hand, touched the tip of a hot glue gun lol. Also gottn my progress slip for this term, but not gona show parents until end of holiday ba. Seems like they can only see my failures but not my achievements. I know im starting to work hard already.
I don't know, i was bottling up everything i felt was happening in me for the last few days, I just feel like screaming now, ripping myself apart to find the problem. But i remember the delicate world i live in, my friends can't know, my parents can't know, seems like thats y i seek people online to tell my problems to, unlike the world i live in, u guys understand my pain. For awhile in the week, it seemed eazy to numb my feelings, to enjoy whats going on, but as time goes, and as i feel weaker each day, the energy i need to maintain that just isn't there anymore, the gates of the hell in me are weakening, like a balloon im about to pop.
I wish it would be eazier, like someone that would be there for me every second of my life, someone who would help me clean this path im in...
I know jie will be there for me, and i know ur going to ask me whats wrong, i know i will tell u about it when i figure it out, but ya, u still have ur cp and spooky to worry about so don't want to be a burden.
And now i feel like crying><, i need to scream soon, my mom, my friends, all are pushing whats legft of me to the limit. Right now i really don't want to do anything, i just want to sit and forget the pain.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, WHAT THE FUCK IS SO HARD TO LET GO!!!!?
I guess jie is already in msia with spooky, CP im really not sure lol, rick either sleeping or out.
Don't worry about me ok guys, enjoy urselves^^
Im just tired, confused, in pain, broken...

Inside The Skin

2009-08-31T23:08:00.000-07:00

Haiz, im still have the sense that something is wrong, but ya just like being alone often, im starting to get used to it. For so long it seems i have been avoiding my problems, maybe its because im afraid to face them? Afraid to know what will happen if i face them.
There are paths for all our lives, which path u take determines our futures. But sometimes, you have to look down, to see that your still on the path you want to be on.
But as you do so, u see all the dirt, all the impurities, litter that your path has. It takes a brave person to try and clean this path, facing every single problem that he comes across.
Somehow, im not that person. I constantly trouble myself over cleaning other peoples paths and not noticing my own. And each time i think, i see my path is so torn up, so destroyed that i can't even touch it anymore, only walk on it. But still, i choose to ignore it.
Now, it hurts to walk on it. I have tried before to clean it, but it just ends up with me ignoring it again.
Even now i want to help others, and continue ignoring my own, but its hard when there is pain. Still i try to put on a happy face=P.
I mean, maybe this has become a habit, ignoring my own problems. In the first place i think of myself last, so its hard to focus. I don't know, maybe i will just keep trying to smile, perhaps in awhile the pain will leave again.
Oh well, Forward is where i want to go, so time to move on...
At least now i can smile and forget it, as long as it stays im going to be fine^^

Bothered

2009-08-31T05:41:00.000-07:00

Today feels not much difference then others days, but when i think about it, seems like quite alot happened.
Started school with assembly, so falling back on old habits, most of us went to the canteen to waste time. Its like damn hot in the hall and so little space to sit, so it was uncomfortable. After that we went on a walk in the park near my school and then PE, i tripped while walking, but doesn't seem to hurt much. Finally i gave my english teacher a speech that made her shut up, i told her that she was the worst teacher, and how she is not thinking about the students like other teachers lol.
Ended school with another assembly, was abit of a concert, but i guess not really that good also.
I felt so free today, bur it was wired, i don't know. i kept feeling like jie was bothered about something. I only found out she fought with her mom later on, but she didn't want to talk about it.
I got di siao-ed on msn by my friends, but wasn't in the mood, so i just blocked them to shut them up.
I really don't know, now im still waiting for jie's reply, i think i smsed her 5 times, guess shes busy. I somehow still feel worried bout her><.
Talked to CP awhile in msn, he wanted to find a movie lol.
Now as usual, im feeling something is wrong again><, now im thinking what it could be.
Still kind of miss jie=P, hope shes ok><.

Whats Wrong Here?

2009-08-30T02:06:00.000-07:00

Today slack with jie and cp again^^, rick couldn't online, so that was a disappointment><.
I don't know, it feels the same as yesterday, i feel something is wrong, but i don't know what. I tried showing what CP and Jie what i meant, but ya, they turned it into a joke.
I can't show them what i feel, i think its because i see them so happy now, it will bring me guilt if i told them just like that. But at the same time, i know they want to help me, in the first place i can't even get myself to tell them, i don't know why.
Seems like theres so much i don't know><, i keep asking myself that.
I definitely can't tell my friends at school the problem, i will die if that happens><.
I wish i could just forget about it, theres so much around me happening, im surprised that i am even thinking about it.
Haiz, some feelings just don't go away.
I feel the need to constantly appear happy, i don't know if thats a mistake.
Then my tiredness, that i think can't be helped, feels no different whether i sleep long or short, as long as i slept.
Anyway, it seems like im automatically happy when im talking to people, so i only can let out my feelings here, cause i really don't feel like bringing this up in that mood. At least you guys will know whats going on with me.

Strange Feeling

2009-08-29T05:14:00.001-07:00

Today jie and CP were online the whole day, so ya stayed with them for the whole day=P.
Even Rick was online, that was awesome, for 2 weeks there was no rick to push cp to train lol. CP seemed blunt to the max today as well.
Haiz i don't know, to me this day was suppose to be great. For the whole day i put on my happy face and tried to enjoy, but for some reason i felt like something was wrong.
CP and Jie are talking now, so i had been thinking about it.
Humans feel for a reason, there is no feeling known to us that does not have a purpose.
THEN WHY!!? Why is this one bothering me?
And whats worst, I feeling more tired with each day that passes. Im not sure if im going to wake up tomorrow as happy as today, so far it seems like a no.
Alot of people tell me to just stop thinking, but then what if its something important bothering me, and even so its completely unlike me to just leave my problems idling in my mind.
Im still wondering what could be wrong, so far there has been no answer, but ya trying hard pays off.
At least i completed my star after a week of slowly adding part by part and using up 1 tube or glue and 1.5 packet of staples lol.
I really wish this feeling would go away, there are questions that even i dare not answer...

End This Pain!!!

2009-08-28T03:15:00.000-07:00

Its been so long since i had felt no pain thinking about this. All the things i've done before today, everything i can't forgive myself for, and all the mistakes and emptiness i feel.
Life has been playing with my life for so long, giving me hope and then crushing it.
For awhile before, i felt like i was left for death to come, nothing left in my life to fore fill in my life. But now im closing my eyes to see all the days that have gone by, it seems so much easier to see the wrong then the right. Now i want to get out of this mind set that seems so wrong.
It feels like i have broken before and time just keeps going on and on. For so long i felt as though i took everything for granted, like a parasite on my friends, watching them to learn their mistakes instead of taking risks myself. Now it seems i stand alone again, no one seeing what i go through. But i know thats not true.
Then only now i see, all the pain, all the emptiness only hurts once, these are only broken bones, they will still heal in time.
But now, im done, im done thinking about regrets and pains, i wan to go on living this life. I want to erase what i used to be, forgive myself and let go of all that i have done.
I know no one can save me from myself, only i can put an end to this.
Haiz, i have thought to much again......
I guess today was boring overall, Joel was disturbing me as usual, and ya nothing much happened in school. These few days i felt very exhausted, i not sure why though, im sleeping better, so its not because of sleep. I don't know, whatever it is i hope it goes away soon.

Live, Don't Regret

2009-08-27T01:55:00.000-07:00

I have thought through every second of my life. To tell the truth here is a moment in time that i actually feel no pain. But i thinking about what happened to get here shocks me.
So many friends have came and gone, so many dreams and wish crushed like an ant on the table. I have always wondered, how come i didn't quit life long ago, where pain was all i felt. I guess for humans, u learn to loose and let go. Even at times where people are lost and you don't seem to forget them.
Writing this reminds me of all the friends i don't see anymore, Cheng Kai, David, Spencer, Liang Kai, those who made my primary school life unforgettable. The to all the maple friends, Oreo, Chaos, Sean, and 1 im hoping will come back soon Rick. He hasn't been online to a long time now and i miss that guy.
Strangely i have found something in my life to stand for, a second more interesting purpose in my life. Even if this purpose makes sometimes hurts me as well, i enjoy knowing i am never going to be alone.
People learn to let go, it doesn't mean that they are forgotten, maybe just released from the mind and heart. In a way i think that although we don't let go without loosing as there will always be something there, dormant, waiting to be awaken inside us.
The end can never be changed, we will get hurt and we will loose people, but the same can be said about us. If we LIVE life, not regret it, people around us will not get hurt, that alone is a purpose, one that i will never forget.
It is time for everyone including me to end this thought in their head "Why did they have to go" and start thinking this "what can i do to get them back" or "Time to move on".
It is fine to think about the lost for awhile, just never let it devour your soul, your personality, YOUR LIFE. Always remember it is your life, you can't live it when you regret it.

A thought Finally rested
released from me, letting me move on

Balance In Time...

2009-08-26T01:49:00.000-07:00

For over 2000 years now humans have kept track of time. How it seems to work has left so many amazed at its mystery, and how so many of us wish we can control it. Time feels slow at the most unhappy moments and seem to speed up at each exciting hour.
For awhile now i have wished i had more time. More time to think, more time to study, more time to enjoy. But now it seems i have lost my balance, i don't seem to see what i need to do anymore, my grades are dropping because i don't study, i don't seem to do all the things i wish to in a day, and everything i think about seems to be left each time i fall asleep at night. I never wan to stop time, but how i wish i could slow it down, even if its just for 1 day.
For so long now i have tried to help others gain balance, but it seems it is my turn. The time has come for me to step out of my cave to restore the balance that has so long been alluding me. The time where my final goal is to find a spot where i can slow down time in my mind, making each day slower and more meaningful.
To everyone in my life i wish u too know, i will always be me, this is who i am and who i want to be. You all will always see me the way i am now, but look deeper, there really is a dreamer in me, a soul wanting to achieve.
Joel, Yong Hang, Shawn, Benjamin and all the others existing in my real life, you will always see me as i am now, just abit smarter haha.
Jie, CP, Nichous, Xiao Min and the others that have been brought into my life by luck, I will always be there for you guys, and if there is ever a time that i forget this promise, may my life be cursed forever with sadness.

Confussing

2009-08-25T01:43:00.000-07:00

Last night was the worst, my handphone dropped and so many buttons were spoiled. And i really wanted to find out how jie was doing. It worked fine for awhile, but slowly got worst and worst. After jie talked to me for awhile, she said she wanted to be alone><. That made me so worried><, i tried to get the phone to work, but it was so shitily spoiled, i traded phone with my mom so that i could sms. But when i sms-ed jie, i guess she either already went to sleep or was busy with something. That only made me that much more worried and anxious to talk to her.
I guess the only time i got to talk to her was this morning, but she didn't really reply, latter in the day she told me it was cause she was sms-ing cp and ben, but ya still got worried LOL.
I think it was because of that that i kept thinking today. I wondered, how come i have been so out of touch with everyone around me, i seemed to not know what happened to them and not know y they were like that. I kept thinking why the hell i was fading in mind, how come so much is happening that i don't know. I was afraid that i was about to disappear from the picture that im in now. I was so frustrated, sad and angry at myself for letting me fall into this path of thinking. Only after i checked on jie did i break my chain of thought, she told me that she won't let me fade and would put the colour back onto me. It was so touching i teared up lol.
Later that day, i made another star, its become like a hobby. In business course was the worst, got bullied abit, and endured 1hr of boredem. The course is almost over, next week theres a holiday on tuesday and the next week is holiday week^^.
Im so glad that the day is almost over, just seems so confusing today, and i was so happy to get home, its like been a freaking long day. I really hope there is no CCA tomorrow, i haven't yet got a report for my bridge making competition, The freaking thing that is made of sticks has to support 30 FREAKING kg of weight, so i need to do some research of sound and strong structures.
Actually it sound pretty easy compared to some other competitions, i don't know, we will have to wait and see, i guess it should be triangle shaped, the hot glue has to be focused at the joints and the strings has to support it by the top.
Haiz, now actually my issue is finding the answers to all my confusing questions that keep playing in my head, ITS SO FRUSTRATING not answering them. But i guess soon they will be forgotten, lost through the endless void of time...

The Week's Begining...

2009-08-24T02:32:00.000-07:00

Today was surprising, i usually sms jie every morning, and my hand phone got confiscated when i stopped sms-ing. I dropped my hand phone during science in the lab, it was amazingly stupid LOL. And when i picked it up, my teacher thought i was using so she took it from me. Sorry jie that i didn't sms u during recess><. But i will get it back after school so i wasn't that worried bout it.
It was just because im so used to finding out how jiejie is every now and then in the day=P. So yea missed her for awhile there lol.
Joel tried to cheer me up as usual, poking me and asking his trick question LOL. Lucky it was english and i was bored, so i made another star=P.

Nice ain't it=P
I made it purple for 2 reasons, i couldn't wait to colour it black when i got home, and the thought of jie saying she wanted one^^
Just as before, Joel named it, not starmie, but COWMI=P
I noticed Shawn emo when i was done, and i really didn't was the others to know why i was being so quiet, i started to di siao him lol, it was fun^^
When i got my phone back after a 45 minute wait, i rushed to CCA to put down my bag and called jie.
And yea she is still happy from last night with cp, so i am happy too. We chatted for awhile and i told her about the star before i went into cabin for the meeting.
It was so BORING!! so i went home early=P
And yea went on maple awhile to see not many people online started staring at myself again, and think of what happened today for my blog.
And now i'm bored again><.
Haiz and i'm still haunted by what i thought of last night. I really did not have much time last night to think cause while being bored in my room, i started making a mini bow with some fixable colour pencils i had since primary school

And it works=P
i know i have alot of time^^
And yea after i heard from jie again, i started thinking since i can't use my phone. I suddenly thought of my purpose. Right now i know its to watch over jiejie, CP, and everyone else in the guild, and in life to study hard and do well. But it seems only when i have both purposes do i feel complete, and i wondered where will i go after that purpose is over. Jie said that i will be part of the story forever, that made me happy, but yea that will have to see in time^^

Unexpected

2009-08-23T00:45:00.000-07:00

This weekend wasn't bad, its was my cousin's bday yesterday, so he came over for a bbq. i don't know, felt so weak that day, probably because i did not sleep the previous day. I kept thinking, about what i can only remember that it was not a painful as previous thoughts. I was dizzy most of the day, until jie and CP told to go and nap. the 1st 20 minutes was a waste, then i fell asleep for 15 minutes.
When i came back my cousin was already coming so couldn't spend much time with jie and CP, just as well he wanted to play SA lol.
When i went to help with my cousin bday, jie went to sleep so ya. In the time i was afk, me and my cousin were doing so many things lol. At 1st we dota-ed for awhile, until my cousin went to eat and i went back onl9 to pei jie.
After i offed i went to do what me and my cousin usually do, make fire=P. We filled the balloon with bug spray and covered it with party popers and yes it made a big BANG!!=P
We also made water balloons to throw at our parents since they also did it to us lol. I felt bad, so i let my cousin do the water balloon throwing haha.
The bbq was ok, but then i felt guilty that i had not spend much time with Jie or been there more for her today. She called me latter on with news that worried me even more. She cut herself on her wrist cos i wan banging my head the other day><. I'm seriously sorry jie that i did that and made u hurt yourself><. That night i talked to her, i felt so short of breath cause i was SO drained after cleaning up after my sis. So i was breathing heavily the whole time i talked to her. That night she got me thinking, and even made me cry thinking, i know when u read this u will say sorry again, but don't worry. I kind of like it, it has been awhile since that topic was reactivated in my head.
Then we fell asleep lol.
Today seemed calmer, my mom thinks i have a GF LOL, oh well, i don't so no point defending as long as i know i don't=P.
Jie and CP jus went out so ya. Today i pei jie and CP for most of the day, Nicest also joined us lol. Until CP went to play SF, jie went to sleep and nicest went to study. When i got back, only Xiao Min was online, and didn't reply much, so i checked on jie. She was getting ready to go out so ya, she pei-ed me until CP reached her house. Now i don't know what to do, i guess i will just spend some time thinking, at least thats something that keeps me from getting bored=P.
Haiz the day is ending, just don't feel like i have done enough this weekend...

I've Been Thinking(Feelings)

2009-08-21T06:07:00.000-07:00

For quite awhile now i have always felt emptiness in me, well today Jie, CP, Xiao Min went out together, and ya today wasn't that good to think about, so i guess i will think about it now.
Actually don't even want to think, sometimes my thoughts just drive me crazy. But im alone tonight and i don't think my mind will let me rest.
I always thought having this empty feeling in me was the worst i ever felt, but it seems so many people around me don't feel it. Up til now i figured out that must be because they don't think as much as i do. Whenever i'm alone or bored i usually sit down and think about the world around me. Its strange as i seem to be able to guess whats going to happen next. But sometimes these thoughts that keep me in the world i enjoy go out of control, just seems like i keep getting bad images of whats going to happen, or how i have been neglecting my friends. I guess this feeling inside me is cause i'm not good at letting go. Everyone i met and gotten close to, all of them have been engraved into me, and when they leave or disappear from my life, the engraving is ripped out, leaving emptiness in me.
But now, i see it in a different way. Now it seems i have found a way to forget about the emptiness, but then it makes life seem slightly meaningless. I guess, although these feelings hurt, it means i'm alive inside, it keeps me excited about tomorrow and the day after, the will to go on with this life. I know i will be hurt many many times after now, and even i have my limits at which i breakdown. But i hope i can prolong the time in which i get hurt again.
But 1 thing i'm certain now that i have figured this fact that has alluded me for so long. I AM ALIVE and theres no point wasting that life being upset about the things i can't change.
And yes i will keep thinking, there may come a time where i figure out something even greater and take a step closer to sealing the hole in me.

Back To Normal

2009-08-20T02:16:00.000-07:00

School is getting back to normal already. Seems like there was very few happenings today, it was so bored until i made a ninja star in class=P. There was no more paper arrowplane to throw at my english teacher so ya.

FUNNY right=P
Imagine thins flying in class lol

Other then that, my test was gd, confident in my english and physics, not so much in social studies, as expected.
Maple also gotten bck to normal, everyone is happy^^.
Oh well CA is OVER!!! WOOOOOTS
Now if onli i could relax more=P. Thats going to be abit harder be ya, hard didn't mean much before.

Whats Happenin In School

2009-08-19T01:07:00.001-07:00

LOL today was so SIAN!!!!!=P
If there wasn't any good food in the canteen today i wouldn't want to go to school haha. There was a few test in school as well, not the type of test that are like 1hr long, more like short tests 30-50minutes tests. today was literature and chinese, i know i will do ok in lit, but chinese not so much.=P oh how i wish i paid more attention when i was younger lol. I don't know, like been failing it since like primary 3. But i guess this one wasn't too bad, at least im sure of some of my answers. At least thats a sign that im improoving. AHHHH but feel so drained today, i think it was last night, don't know. Tomorrow theres social studies, physics and english test, pretty sure im gona own physics and english, social studies, not as confident. Oh well i enjoy letting time tell me what my next steps are, so i guess i just let it show me the way. And yes i know i need to study, but yea i don't know whr to study yet=P. Oh ya and assembly, OMG i didn't even know there was going to be one. And OMG it was B,O,R,I,N,G. The content itself was ok but i guess i was too excited about other things happening.

Conflicting Feelings

2009-08-18T01:27:00.000-07:00

Yesterday Jie told me what happen at night, don't know y i felt so much pain after i heard her reason for being sad. For that night the most i could have done for her was to pei her at as long as i can. i didn't think i managed to cheer her up much, maybe just abit.
This morning she smsed me, she told me what happen after i talked to her that night. i was still pretty blurh from waking up, an sms at midnight from her told me she also probably didn't sleep well. i smsed her most of the morning cheering her up, but wat happens in school also seems to be as interesting lol. the begining did not give me much hope as it was chinese and maths. But what she asked me at this time really hit me, she ask how do i feel towards her. i didn't know how to answer, so we decided to drop the topic, good idea too, i was afraid our friendship would be affected if i told her my feelings. after she seemed pretty cheered up, my day also got exciting as i got back to class. It was as if we were having a party, Iqbal used our class speaker to play some music, as usual me and joel brought food. I wasn't hungry so i did not eat much. Then during english we ended up throwing staplers, i don't exactly remember how it started, but it seems it was because another classmate threw the nerds sweet packet at joel. i think i was too excited cause i forgot about my injured toe, so yea, i twisted it again OUCH!!!!!
Dispite that excitment i still felt worried for my Jie until i was sure she actually smiled at work. As for my feelings, i thought about it the whole day, but i seemed to get more questions then answers. When i got home from school things kept getting better zzz......
My dad was home so i could only use my com to do homework. i talked to Jie and ya she still sounded sick><. CP smsed her and told her he was going to quit SF. i don't know what to think again, i really want to belive CP can pull it off, but time has showed that it won't happen.
Haiz life has so far been a rollercoaster ride, my real life seems to be more happy, but happy gets kind of boring after awhile. there are no problems, no one that seems to need me. Latly my maple life has been merging closly with my real life, although it only means i have more to worry about, i like it, for once in my life people need me, and i learn to need others. It has thought me to feel, to dream, and to belive that in life there are such things as stories.

New Day

2009-08-17T02:05:00.000-07:00

Today started off normally, i had a few sms from friends comferming things and i said good morning to my jie. I was kind of excited to come home from school today cause my i wanted to pei my jie. I didn'y expect must to happen in school, was kicked out of my science class for sitting while mixxing chemicals lol. It wasn't as bad as I thought, we joke around outside of the lab haha. My toe is still injured from falling, but at least the swell is going down. After school i was so happy, Jie called me and ya sounded so sick. When i got home and went online i was even happier cause CP was also coming online. It seems so long since i talk to him lol, like maybe a week. We had a fun chat in Maple, joking around like we always do. But what i really didn't see coming was jie suddenly got so sad. She hasn't told me what happen yet, but i felt so much pain just seeing her like that.
Jie i know you probably won't read this post, but i really want to help you, seeing you like that just makes me feel so much pain. I know I often said I'm happy when I make others happy, but I'm not sure why, when you feel down or up im often feeling the same and i kind of like that. I really want to thank you for all that you have helped me through before and now i don't feel as bad as i did before, and really whenever you need me and whatever you need me for, i will be there for you, thats a promise i will keep til the day you say u don't need me.

My Story-Start

2009-08-16T02:43:00.002-07:00

Just made a blog today lol. Its been a good weekend, wasn't really upset this week. Life seems like such a long ride already, and there's still a long way before it ends. I always wanted one thing in my life, that is to be happy. Slowly i found that helping others achieve their dreams gave me more pleasure then accomplishing my own. My dreams are still alive, but i guess i want something more.
My name is Wei Yan(Magas) and this is my story.